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‌2. As a result of electronic inventions such as computer and tv, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

‌2. As a result of electronic inventions such as computer and tv, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 1
At the present time, electronic gadgets are everywhere whether we like it or not. From small watches, to giant smart tvs, we are surrounded by inventions of the modern technology. People have become accustomed to these devices and as a result, they have to do less physical activity than before. Therefore, it is affecting their health and lots of health related issues are reported everywhere. I completely agree with the point of view and this essay will discuss the point in detail. Current age is the age of technology and we hear the news of new inventions everyday. Some of the most important equipment in this era are, computer, tv, smart phone etc. These devices were invented in order to make our day to day life easier. We can say that it worked well, in fact it worked too well for our own good. For example, a computer can do work faster than a human being. The task which would take months to finish, can be finished within minutes with the help of a computer. Consequently, people have become used to these devices for their work. In addition, other devices like, smart phone and television, people are enjoying their free time at homes instead of going out and do some physical activities. For these reasons, it is affecting their eyesight, especially young children. In the past, it has been observed that children enjoyed playing in the park, but now they prefer to watch TV or mobile phones. Because of the lack of physical activities many heart related problems such as, heart attack and high blood pressure, are also increasing. A recent study has proved, that heart related issues have increased by ten percent in the last five years owing to lack of physical exercise. To sum up, it is evident that although modern inventions have certainly made our life easier, it also has some demerits. Because of the dependence on these devices many health related problems are occurring, such as, reduce eyesight, heart attack and high blood pressure.
At the present time, electronic gadgets are everywhere whether we like it or not. From
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watches
, to giant smart
Possible spelling mistake found.
tvs
, we
are surrounded
by inventions of the modern technology.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
People
have become accustomed to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
and
as a result
, they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
do less
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activity than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
.
Therefore
, it is affecting their health and lots of health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
issues
are reported
everywhere. I completely
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
agree
with the point of view and this essay will discuss the point in detail.

This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Current
age is the age of
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
technology and
we hear the news of new inventions
'Everyday' is an adjective. Did you mean "every day"?
everyday
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
of the most
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
equipment in this era are, computer,
Possible spelling mistake found.
tv
, smart phone etc. These
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
were invented
in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
our
It appears that two hyphens are missing.
day to day
life easier. We can say that it worked well, in fact it worked too well for our
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
.
For example
, a computer can do work faster than a human being. The task which would take months to finish, can
be finished
within minutes with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
of a computer.
Consequently
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
have become
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
for their work.

In addition
, other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
like, smart phone and television,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are enjoying their free time at homes
instead
of going out and do
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities. For these reasons, it is affecting their eyesight,
especially
young children. In the past, it has
been observed
that children enjoyed playing in the park,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
they prefer to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watch
TV or mobile phones.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
activities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
problems such as,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
attack and high blood pressure, are
also
increasing. A recent study has proved, that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
issues have increased by ten percent in the last five years owing to lack of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
physical
exercise.

To sum up, it is evident that although modern inventions have
certainly
made our life easier, it
also
has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
demerits.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the dependence on these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
devices
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
health
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
related
problems are occurring, such as,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
eyesight,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heart
attack and high blood pressure.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS essay ‌2. As a result of electronic inventions such as computer and tv, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effect on their health. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
338 words
8
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 8.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 8.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 8.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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