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19. As the world has become technological advance, computer are replacing more and more jobs that maybe lose because of computer. Discuss at least one problem that may result. v.1

19. As the world has become technological advance, computer are replacing more and more jobs that maybe lose because of computer. Discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 1
When computers first made their way into the business sector, everyone believed that they would make people's jobs easier. What was not expected was that computers would eliminate jobs. Besides contributing to unemployment, these automated workers often exhibit inadequate job performance. A number of jobs have been lost as a direct result of new computer technology. Ticket agents in various transportation facilities, from subway/ underground stations to airports are virtually nonexistent these days. Bank tellers have been greatly reduced due to automated bank machines. In addition, many call centres that have help lines are almost entirely computerised. A few years ago I worked as a helper in our local library. Today this position does not exist, because six new computers have been installed. The number of positions lost to computers grows exponentially, and unemployment continues to get worse. While a computer may easily achieve the main tasks of these jobs, most computers fall short when customers have a unique request or problem. A pre-paid ticket booth does not have insight about the entertainment district and cannot offer friendly directions to a tourist. Similarly, an automated bank machine cannot provide assistance and reassurance to a customer who has just had his credit card stolen. And, more often than not, automated telephone operators cannot answer the one question that we have, and we end up waiting on the line to speak with someone anyway. Every time I go into the library where I worked I notice elderly people who don't know how to use the computers and can't find anyone to help. In the future, I believe a new business trend will evolve. As computers eliminate jobs, new positions will have to be invented. More and more people will go into business and hopefully put the personal touch back into the business. I believe that the human workforce will demonstrate that it is more valuable than computers.
When computers
first
made their way into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
sector, everyone believed that they would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
easier. What was not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
was that computers would eliminate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
.
Besides
contributing to unemployment, these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
automated
workers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
exhibit inadequate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
performance.

A number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
have
been lost
as a direct result of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
computer technology. Ticket agents in various transportation facilities, from subway/ underground stations to airports are
virtually
nonexistent these days. Bank tellers have been
greatly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
due to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
automated
bank machines.
In addition
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
call
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
that have
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
lines are almost
entirely
Possible spelling mistake. 'computerised' is British English.
computerised
. A few years ago I worked as a helper in our local library.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Today
this position does not exist,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
six
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
computers have
been installed
. The number of positions lost to computers grows
exponentially
, and unemployment continues to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
worse.

While a computer may
easily
achieve the main tasks of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
, most computers fall short when customers have a unique request or problem. A
Possible spelling mistake found.
pre-paid
ticket booth does not have insight about the entertainment district and cannot offer friendly directions to a tourist.
Similarly
, an
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
automated
bank machine cannot provide assistance and reassurance to a customer who has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
had his credit card stolen. And, more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
than not,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
automated
telephone operators cannot answer the one question that we have, and we
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
up waiting on the line to speak with someone anyway. Every time I go into the library where I worked I notice elderly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who don't know how to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the computers and can't find anyone to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
.

In the future, I believe a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
trend will evolve. As computers eliminate
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
new
positions will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be invented
. More and more
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
will go into
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
and
hopefully
put the personal touch back into the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
business
. I believe that the human workforce will demonstrate that it is more valuable than computers.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay 19. As the world has become technological advance, computer are replacing more and more jobs that maybe lose because of computer. Discuss at least one problem that may result. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
315 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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