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1827 what personal qualities do you feel are required for a young person to live on their own? v.1

1827 what personal qualities do you feel are required for a young person to live on their own? v. 1
Many people argue that someone’s success is attributable to luck instead of their own hard work. However, I totally disagree with this opinion. First, being successful requires determination and huge effort. For example, Thomas Edison had continuously failed hundreds of times before inventing a variety of creations, in which the light bulb is the most popular invention. Without his infinite patience and diligent work, the scientist could not possess many different patents which remarkably influence our daily life. Another case of success through determination and passion is Steve Job, who kept pursuing his dream despite being kicked out of his own company. Passion and persistence led him to spend thousands of hours coding and experimenting to finally create a new operating system which strongly/significantly changes the world of technology. Therefore, passion, determination, and hard work are the key traits to succeed, which illustrates a greater importance than luck. Second, luck only makes a modest contribution to someone’s achievement. For the student who prays every night to pass the exam, there is very little chance for him to complete the test perfectly without any study or review. At least, the student has to study hard on some key issues and luck does the last if the question in exam relates to what he has known. However, in lottery case, it is undeniable to say that luck is purely the reason turning one person into an overnight millionaire. However/ Nevertheless, the nearly zero percent of probability to win a lottery clearly proves that luck only comes by a small chance and cannot be the key point added to the success of everyone. In conclusion, I completely disagree with the idea that it’s all the matter of luck to succeed as there are other more important factors including passion, determination, and hard work.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
argue that someone’s success is attributable to luck
instead
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
However
, I
totally
disagree with this opinion.

First
, being successful requires
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
and huge effort.
For example
, Thomas Edison had
continuously
failed hundreds of times
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
inventing a variety of creations, in which the light bulb is the most popular invention. Without his infinite patience and diligent
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
, the scientist could not possess
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
patents which
remarkably
influence our daily life. Another case of success through
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
is Steve Job, who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
pursuing his dream despite
being kicked
out of his
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
company
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Passion
and persistence led him to spend thousands of hours coding and experimenting to
finally
create a new operating system which
strongly
/
significantly
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
the world of technology.
Therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
are the key traits to succeed, which illustrates a greater importance than luck.

Second, luck
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
makes
a modest contribution to someone’s achievement. For the student who prays every night to pass the exam, there is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
chance for him to complete the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
test
perfectly
without any study or review. At least, the student
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
has to
study
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
on
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
key issues and luck does the last if the question in exam relates to what he has known.
However
, in lottery case, it is undeniable to say that luck is
purely
the reason turning one person into an overnight millionaire.
Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
However
/
Nevertheless
, the
nearly
zero percent of probability to win a lottery
clearly
proves that luck
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
by a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
chance and cannot be the key point
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
added
to the success of everyone.

In conclusion
, I completely disagree with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
that it’s all the matter of luck to succeed as there are other more
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
important
factors including
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passion
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
determination
, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
hard
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 1827 what personal qualities do you feel are required for a young person to live on their own? v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
300 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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