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109. What characteristic is most important in determining a person's academic success such as getting a high score on the TOEFL exam? Use reasons and details to support your response. v.1

109. What characteristic is most important in determining a person's academic success such as getting a high score on the TOEFL exam? Use reasons and details to support your response. v. 1
It is an undeniable fact that there has been an increasing trend of visiting shopping malls and centres instead of going to local shops which has led to the closure of many small-scale businesses. In my view, despite the loss to such businesses, this is an overall positive development of the society, considering the vast variety and facilities provided by the malls which are mostly missing in small shops. To begin with, the most obvious factor that attracts most people towards malls is the huge collection of products available there. In other words, with this idea of one-stop-shop, one can purchase clothing, furniture, grocery and almost everything under a single roof without any major inconvenience. In a recent survey conducted among the local businessmen of Chandigarh, most of them claimed that their clientele has declined up to 60 percent ever since the launch of Elante Mall in the city. In starkest contrast, many find it quite an arduous and time-consuming task to visit numerous stores to explore different products. Another positive aspect of this prevailing trend is that the spacious centres provide innumerable services which make shopping more convenient. Such facilities include food-courts, cinemas, gaming areas, etc. , are helping many enjoy their whole day properly alongside the shopping. For instance, in my hometown, people leave their offspring at the play-way zone built inside the mall and go to the outlets without any hassle of handling their children while shopping. Alternatively, a person does not feel comfortable at local shops because of a lack of even the basic facilities like public washrooms or waiting areas, in turn, propelling them to prefer malls over small shops. To conclude, the burgeoning trend of visiting shopping malls is undoubtedly taking over the local business and sometimes even causes their ultimate closure. Nevertheless, it may have caused a huge loss to the regional businessmen, it has proven to be a more convenient and time-efficient way which gives people a better shopping experience.
It is an undeniable fact that there has been an increasing trend of visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
and
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
instead
of going to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
shops which has led to the closure of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
-scale businesses. In my view, despite the loss to such businesses, this is an
overall
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
development of the society, considering the vast variety and facilities provided by the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
which are
mostly
missing in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
shops.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the most obvious factor that attracts most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
towards
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
is the huge collection of products available there.
In other words
, with this
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
of one-
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
-shop, one can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
purchase
clothing, furniture, grocery and almost everything under a single roof without any major inconvenience. In a recent survey conducted among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
businessmen of Chandigarh, most of them claimed that their clientele has declined up to 60 percent ever since the launch of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Elante
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Mall
in the city.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
starkest contrast,
Possible agreement error. The noun find seems to be countable; consider using: "many finds".
many find
it quite an arduous and time-consuming task to visit numerous stores to explore
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
products.

Another
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
aspect of this prevailing trend is that the spacious
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
provide innumerable services which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
more convenient. Such facilities include food-courts, cinemas, gaming areas, etc.
Put a space after the comma, but not before the comma
,
are helping
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
enjoy their whole day
properly
alongside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
For instance
, in my hometown,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
leave
their offspring at the play-way zone built inside the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
mall
and go to the outlets without any hassle of handling their children while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
.
Alternatively
, a person does not feel comfortable at
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
shops
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of a lack of even the basic facilities like public washrooms or waiting areas, in turn, propelling them to prefer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
shops.

To conclude
, the burgeoning trend of visiting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
malls
is
undoubtedly
taking over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
local
business and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
sometimes
even causes their ultimate closure.
Nevertheless
, it may have caused a huge loss to the regional businessmen, it has proven to be a more convenient and time-efficient way which gives
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
a better
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
shopping
experience.
7.5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7.5Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7.5Mistakes

IELTS essay 109. What characteristic is most important in determining a person's academic success such as getting a high score on the TOEFL exam? Use reasons and details to support your response. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
328 words
7.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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