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1- Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say they are just harmless and help people to relax. Discuss both these points of view and give your opinion. v.1

1- Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say they are just harmless and help people to relax. v. 1
The beginning of the 21st century witnessed a proliferation of films and computer games. While both categories of digital entertainment were family friendly in the past, the modern editions have become violent and more popular. Although some fans are unperturbed by the unsavoury effects of violence on the society, I believe this genre is inappropriate and should be banned. There are various ways in which violence is depicted in films and computer games. These ranges from the actors attacking each other to inflict injuries to mob attacks, gun battles and fatal explosions. In some extreme cases, there are incidents of torments and bloody gruesome murders. Some of the people who enjoy these forms of entertainment choose to applaud the creativity of the writer and actors rather than question their own sanity. They believe that, like any other genre, namely: romance or adventure, violent content are works of fiction incapable of negatively influencing the consumers. Despite the unavailability of scientific studies to collaborate these assertions, ardent viewers of these rated content have often said the fear they experience releases special hormones in the brain. These hormones are said to induce sleep and ultimately aid their relaxation. Traditionally, women are opposed to violent films and games, hence they put up campaigns to ban related materials. These campaigns are premised on the fact that continuous exposure to evil acts desensitizes people from exhibiting positive personality traits such as kindness, gentleness and empathy. Women worry that children exposed to vicious behaviour will grow up to become irresponsible adult incapable of living normal lives. In my opinion, the advocacy by these women to ban violent films and computer games must be taken seriously if we are to reduce the percentage of children who grow up to become dysfunctional adults. It will be a step in the right direction to reduce the societal crime rate and build a nation where citizens are guided by the right values.
The beginning of the 21st century witnessed a proliferation of films and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. While both categories of digital entertainment were family friendly in the past, the modern editions have become
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
and more popular. Although
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
fans
are unperturbed
by the
Possible spelling mistake found.
unsavoury
effects of violence on the society, I believe this genre is inappropriate and should
be banned
.

There are various ways in which violence
is depicted
in films and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. These ranges from the actors attacking each other to inflict injuries to mob attacks, gun battles and fatal explosions. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
extreme cases, there are incidents of torments and bloody gruesome murders.
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
Some of the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
who enjoy these forms of entertainment choose to applaud the creativity of the writer and actors
rather
than question their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
own
sanity. They believe that, like any other genre,
namely
: romance or adventure,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
content are works of fiction incapable of
negatively
influencing the consumers. Despite the unavailability of scientific studies to collaborate these assertions, ardent viewers of these rated content have
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
said the fear they experience releases special hormones in the brain. These hormones
are said
to induce sleep and
ultimately
aid their relaxation.

Traditionally
, women
are opposed
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
films and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
,
hence
they put up campaigns to ban related materials. These campaigns
are premised
on the fact that continuous exposure to evil acts desensitizes
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from exhibiting
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
positive
personality traits such as kindness, gentleness and empathy. Women worry that children exposed to vicious
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviour' is British English.
behaviour
will grow up to become irresponsible adult incapable of living normal
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
lives
.

In my opinion, the advocacy by these women to ban
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
violent
films and computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
must
be taken
seriously
if we are to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the percentage of children who grow up to become dysfunctional adults. It will be a step in the right direction to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
the societal crime rate and build a nation where citizens
are guided
by the right values.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS essay 1- Films and computer games which contain violence are very popular. Some people believe they have a negative effect on society and so should be banned. Other people, however, say they are just harmless and help people to relax. v. 1

Essay
  American English
4 paragraphs
321 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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