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09/10/2017Some people say that computer games are bad for children by all means; others believe that these games are contributing to children’s development. Discuss both views and give your own opinion. v.1

09/10/2017Some people say that computer games are bad for children by all means; others believe that these games are contributing to children’s development. v. 1
In today’s world, we categorise the famous people like singers, actors or models are the highest earners in society. It is said that they are significantly overpaid. In my perspective, I totally disagree with this statement, I will give reasons. Firstly, like other occupations, celebrities have to train and practice for a long period, in order to improve their skills and expertise. Very few people have the gifted talent like beautiful voices or potential acting skills, so they have to make efforts to survive and be famous in the competitive environment. For example, many singers, or usually called K-pop idols, have to be trainees for a long time, can be up to 10 years, before they can debut. Some reality shows record their process, and it’s obviously seen that life isn’t easy for anyone. Therefore, I think that the high salaries celebrities earn is worthy of their attempt. Furthermore, it is a case of supply and demand. We create demand by going to see their concerts and buying their music. The well-known people perform for us, they inspire us and their products help us relax and reduce stresses. In conclusion, I believed that the high salaries of famous people are not overpaid. Personally, I think it’s an euphoria to pay for what bring a smile to your face while the celebrities are satisfied because they could dedicate their talents. However, more jobs in society just as doctors or teachers need to be paid higher because of their hard process to become successful.
In
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
today
’s world, we
Possible spelling mistake. 'categorise' is British English.
categorise
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
like singers, actors or models are the highest earners in society. It
is said
that they are
significantly
overpaid. In my perspective, I
totally
disagree with this statement, I will give reasons.

Firstly
, like other occupations, celebrities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
train and practice for a long period, in order to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improve
their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
and expertise.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Very
few
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
have the gifted talent like
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
beautiful
voices or potential acting
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
skills
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
so
they
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
efforts to survive and be
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
in the competitive environment.
For example
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
singers, or
usually
called K-pop idols,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
have to
be trainees for a long time, can be up to 10 years,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
they can debut.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
reality
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
record their process, and it’s
obviously
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that life isn’t easy for anyone.
Therefore
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that the high salaries celebrities earn is worthy of their attempt.

Furthermore
, it is a case of supply and demand. We create demand by going to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
their concerts and buying their music. The well-known
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
perform for us, they inspire us and their products
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
us relax and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduce
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stresses
.

In conclusion
, I believed that the high salaries of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
are not overpaid.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
it’s
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
euphoria to pay for what bring a smile to your face while the celebrities
are satisfied
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
they could dedicate their talents.

However
, more jobs in society
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
as doctors or teachers need to
be paid
higher
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of their
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
hard
process to become successful.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
If you talk to a man in a language he understands, that goes to his head. If you talk to him in his own language, that goes to his heart.
Nelson Mandela

IELTS essay 09/10/2017Some people say that computer games are bad for children by all means; others believe that these games are contributing to children’s development. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
252 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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