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07/11/2017 Team activities can teach more skills for life than other activities which are played alone. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

07/11/2017 Team activities can teach more skills for life than other activities which are played alone. v. 1
Nowadays, an overwhelming number of children are spending more time on playing computer games rather than on sports. This is mainly because computer games are addictive and children are unaware of the incredible health benefits of playing sports. It is a negative development which brings detrimental effects to the health as well as mental well-being of a child. Firstly, children are addicted to computers as it offers a variety of games. Moreover, computers have become affordable for many families and, therefore, children have easy access to it. Sometimes explicit images and videos would be getting played in between the games. This can adversely affect not only their studies but also mental well-being. Another point to consider is that parents being too busy with their work do not make their child aware of the incredible benefits of playing sport. After having hectic work at the office, parents want to wind down at home by encouraging their children to play online games. This sedentary lifestyle can seriously affect health of children. In addition, children consume more food than they burnout through physical activity such as playing sports, which can incline them to obesity. Finally, children may inadvertently reveal their personal information while signing up for a game. This can result in identity theft. In addition to that the anonymity in online profile enables people to make uncivil communication. In some group games, comments are enabled throughout the game and children may become a victim of cyberbullying. In conclusion, playing computer games adversely affect the health and mental well-being of a child and hence is a negative development.
Nowadays, an overwhelming number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are spending more time on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
rather
than on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. This is
mainly
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
are addictive and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are unaware of the incredible
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
. It is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development which brings detrimental effects to the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
as well
as mental well-being of a child.

Firstly
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
are addicted
to computers as it offers a variety of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
.
Moreover
, computers have become affordable for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
families and,
therefore
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
have easy access to it.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Sometimes
explicit images and videos would be getting played in between the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. This can
adversely
affect not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
their studies
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
mental well-being.

Another point to consider is that parents being too busy with their work do not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
their child aware of the incredible benefits of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
. After having hectic work at the office, parents want to wind down at home by encouraging their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
to play online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. This sedentary lifestyle can
seriously
affect
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
consume more food than
Do not use a noun immediately after the pronoun 'they'. Use a verb or an adverb, or possibly some other part of speech.
they burnout
through physical activity such as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
, which can incline them to obesity.

Finally
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may
inadvertently
reveal their personal information while signing up for a game. This can result in identity theft.
In addition
to that the anonymity in online profile enables
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
uncivil communication. In
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, comments
are enabled
throughout the game and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
may become a victim of cyberbullying.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
In
conclusion,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
playing
computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
adversely
affect the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
health
and mental well-being of a child and
hence
is a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
development.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS essay 07/11/2017 Team activities can teach more skills for life than other activities which are played alone. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
265 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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