Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

04/10/2017Team activities can teach more skills for life than other activities which are played alone. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.1

04/10/2017Team activities can teach more skills for life than other activities which are played alone. v. 1
These days, many nations globally aim at becoming economically developed countries at the cost of loosing some crucial social values. I believe that the advantages of financial success cannot outweigh or supersede the disadvantages. Though the global aim of economic advancement has many advantages, such as privatisation, creation of more jobs, creation of industries which in turn provide with many more job opportunities and create more wealth in the society. Although, they are necessary for the growth of a the majority of the population from poverty and provide them with a good standard of living, it has many drawbacks. Heavy commercialisation may create more wealth for the nations and bring them on par with the other developed countries, nevertheless, looses it's vital social thread. In other words, it leads to people becoming selfish and greedy and concentrating only on their personal needs and growth, for example, in the process of achieving their personal goals on the corporate ladder, they might walk over many others. Furthermore, affecting personal, family relationships, because ambition takes over the personal time. Hence, family bonding can never be replaced with financial advancement. Although economic development is necessary, however it can never outweigh social values such as empathy, compassion and understanding. These are some of the core human values, which are essential to remain as human beings. Financial expansion can give a person all luxuries of life, but can never replace the human bonding, which is the crux of life and need to be preserved and developed. To summarize, economic development, though essential, can never outweigh the social values, as it is the foundation on which financial development can be built and sustained with values such as family bonding, human compassion, empathy. Global economic rise can be achieved with social values being valued, promoted and encouraged, which not only leads to prosperity but also to human social welfare.
These days,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
nations globally aim at becoming
economically
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
at the cost of loosing
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
crucial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
values. I believe that the advantages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
success cannot outweigh or supersede the disadvantages.

Though the global aim of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
advancement has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
advantages, such as
Possible spelling mistake. 'privatisation' is British English.
privatisation
, creation of more jobs, creation of industries which in turn provide with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
more job opportunities and create more wealth in the society. Although, they are necessary for the growth of
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "a" or "the" is left.
a the
majority of the population from poverty and provide them with a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
standard of living, it has
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
drawbacks. Heavy
Possible spelling mistake. 'commercialisation' is British English.
commercialisation
may create more wealth for the nations and bring them on par with the other
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
developed countries
,
nevertheless
, looses
Did you mean "its" (possessive pronoun) instead of 'it's' (short form of 'it is')?
it's
vital
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
thread.

In other words
, it leads to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
becoming selfish and greedy and concentrating
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
on their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
needs and growth,
for example
, in the process of achieving their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
goals on the corporate ladder, they might walk over
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
others.
Furthermore
, affecting
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
, family relationships,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
ambition takes over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
personal
time.
Hence
, family bonding can never
be replaced
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
advancement.

Although
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
development is necessary,
however
it can never outweigh
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
values such as empathy, compassion and understanding. These are
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
core
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
values, which are essential to remain as
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
beings.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Financial
expansion can give a person all luxuries of life,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
can never replace the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
bonding, which is the crux of life and need to
be preserved
and developed.

To summarize
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
development, though essential, can never outweigh the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
values, as it is the foundation on which
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
financial
development can
be built
and sustained with values such as family bonding,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
compassion, empathy. Global
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
economic
rise can
be achieved
with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
values
being valued
, promoted and encouraged, which not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
leads to prosperity
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
also
to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
human
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
social
welfare.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
Knowledge of languages is the doorway to wisdom.
Roger Bacon

IELTS essay 04/10/2017Team activities can teach more skills for life than other activities which are played alone. v. 1

Essay
  American English
5 paragraphs
311 words
7
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • Include an introduction and conclusion
  • Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 7.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 7.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts