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Write a letter to the person in charge of the seminar and ask for detailed information regarding the dates, program, accommodation and cost. v.2

Write a letter to the person in charge of the seminar and ask for detailed information regarding the dates, program, accommodation and cost. v. 2
Dear Sir, I am John Smith, currently working as software engineer in United Kingdom. Recently I red about your seminar of ethical hacking, scheduled to be held in Sydney, Australia in March 2020, through an advertisement in the newspaper. I am planning to attend this workshop and need some further details. The seminar schedule was not mentioned in the advert. Hence, could you please provide me the duration and the schedule of the workshop. It would be really great if you could brief the program like which are the aspects of ethical hacking will be covered as part of workshop and if there will be any hands-on or it will just be a theory session. Please inform me how much it would cost to book my seat. Lastly, as I am travelling from UK, could you please let me know about the accommodation arrangement. Is there any living place provided by you? If not, could you please let me know the hotels nearby along with the probable cost including meals. Thank you in advance from the bottom of my heart. Yours faithfully, John Smith
Dear Sir,

I am John Smith,
currently
working as software engineer
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the United Kingdom".
in United Kingdom
. Recently I red about your seminar of ethical hacking, scheduled to
be held
in Sydney, Australia in March 2020, through an advertisement in the newspaper. I am planning to attend this workshop and need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
further
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
.

The seminar schedule was not mentioned in the advert.
Hence
, could you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
please
provide me the duration and the schedule of the workshop. It would be
really
great if you could brief the program like which are the aspects of ethical hacking will
be covered
as part of workshop and if there will be any hands-on or it will
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
be a theory session.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Please
inform me how much it would cost to book my seat.

Lastly
, as I am travelling from UK, could you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me know about the accommodation arrangement. Is there any living place provided by you? If not, could you
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
please
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
let
me know the hotels nearby along with the probable cost including meals.

Thank you in advance from the bottom of my heart.

Yours
faithfully
,

John Smith
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic Write a letter to the person in charge of the seminar and ask for detailed information regarding the dates, program, accommodation and cost. v. 2

Academic
  American English
7 paragraphs
183 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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