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whether or not someone achieve their aims is mostly a question of luck. To what extent do you agree or disagree? v.2

whether or not someone achieve their aims is mostly a question of luck. v. 2
Some people believe that the speech is part of prey therefore most of people felling lucky when they are asked about their ambition that is reached. There are advantages and disadvantages with this statement, because of several reasons. Nowadays, the people especially teenager or the younger have a tendency to make sure about their ambition, while that they have a higher mission to get their purposes as well as this is a good matter which happen. For the people who consume believer about the destiny of luck tend to do a great thing. For example, one of a boy student who show in TV has a popular news about his journey, he is from a back water where less of development and attention from government in every field such as education, healthy and the other public service that is needed there. However, the struggling that is did by this brilliant boy can influence his area becoming more better than before, any several grows caused of it. he said that, some people from his rural always tell him about his purposes and about the education achievement that he reached. As result, this story present a message that the communities should be support the children who have an ability in every field. In conclusion, the people who got and success in a mission need some appreciates from the older or the society in environment to encourage them to do something well. On the other side, there are negative effects will be happen caused by this believer. The first, when the people feel that they are not have a capability and always get an impossible suggestion from communities would make them unconfident. Secondly, the children who do not have a good achievement then often to compare with the good other will influence their psychologies. Finally, the damages would be matter if the children pressured with several statements or something such question of luck. To sum up, I disagree about the destiny particularly about the lucky because the major reason people reach their aims are about their effort then experiences which they did.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
believe that the speech is part of prey
therefore
most of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
felling lucky when they
are asked
about their ambition that
is reached
. There are advantages and disadvantages with this statement,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
of several reasons.

Nowadays, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
especially
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenager
or the younger have a tendency to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
sure about their ambition, while that they have a higher mission to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
their purposes
as well
as this is a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
matter which happen. For the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
consume believer about the destiny of luck tend to do a great thing.
For example
, one of a boy student
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
in TV has
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "popular news".
a popular news
about his journey, he is from a back water where less of development and attention from
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
in every field such as education, healthy and the other public service that
is needed
there.
However
, the struggling
that is
Consider using a past participle here: "done".
did
Did you maybe mean "buy" or "be"?
by
this brilliant boy can influence his area becoming
Use only "better" (without 'more') when you use the comparative.
more better
than
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
, any several grows caused of it. he said that,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
from his rural always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
tell
him about his purposes and about the education achievement that he reached. As result, this story present a message that the communities should be support the children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
have an ability in every field.
In conclusion
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
and success in a mission need
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
appreciates from the older or the society in environment to encourage them to do something well.

On the other side, there are
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
negative
effects will be
Consider using the past participle "happened"?
happen
caused by this believer. The
first
, when the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
feel that they are not
Consider using a past participle here: "had".
have
a capability and always
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
an impossible suggestion from communities would
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
make
them unconfident.
Secondly
, the children
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
who
do not have a
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
achievement then
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
to compare with the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
good
other will influence their psychologies.
Finally
, the damages would be matter if the children pressured with several statements or something such question of luck.

To sum up, I disagree about the destiny
particularly
about the lucky
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
because
the major reason
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
reach their aims are about their effort then experiences which they did.
14Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
13Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS academic whether or not someone achieve their aims is mostly a question of luck. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
349 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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