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Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. To what extent do you agree? v.3

Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 3
For the last few years, sports especially extreme sports have grown in popularity throughout the world. While some people believe that these kinds of sports are too dangerous to be watched on TV or beheld in international competitions, others totally disagree with it. Personally, I think that each opinion has its reasons. To commence with, it is said that extreme sports should be prohibited due to its high risk of injury and death. For instance, in boxing, boxers often take powerful blows to knock out his opponent and win. However, it also means that they may die or be injured anytime. Lots of fighters after a match are dead or disabled. Besides, watching too much dangerous sport programs will affect badly children and teenagers. They will tend to imitate those violent behaviours which can lead to unexpected incidents. On the flip side, other have thoughts that are totally go against the above statement. The main reason is simply the money. . According to The Wall Street Journal ( WSJ) - a famous American newspaper, the more violent the sport is, the more money will be earned, Specifically, the price of a ticket to see a Muay Thai match is three times as high as that one of a concert ticket. The salary of fighters is beyond the expectations. A fight is able to help them get millions of dollars. Because of the immediate benefits, despite knowing the result of taking such extreme sports, many people are still willing to try. To sum up, banning sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts is a controversial problem. However, I think that they are should be prohibited since I can see the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
For the last few years,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
especially
extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
have grown in popularity throughout the world. While
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
believe that these kinds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
are too
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
to be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
watched
on TV or beheld in international competitions, others
totally
disagree with it.
Personally
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that each opinion has its reasons.

To commence with, it
is said
that extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
should
be prohibited
due to its high
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
risk
of injury and death.
For instance
, in boxing, boxers
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
take powerful blows to knock out his opponent and win.
However
, it
also
means that they may
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
die
or
be injured
anytime. Lots of fighters after a match are dead or disabled.
Besides
, watching too much
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
dangerous
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
programs will affect
badly
children and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
. They will tend to imitate those violent
Possible spelling mistake. 'behaviours' is British English.
behaviours
which can lead to unexpected incidents.

On the flip side, other have thoughts that are
totally
Consider using a past participle here: "gone".
go
against the above statement. The main reason is
simply
the money.
Don't put a space before the full stop
.
According to The Wall Street Journal
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
WSJ)
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
-
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
famous
American newspaper, the more violent the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sport
is, the more money will
be earned
,
Specifically
, the price of a ticket to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
a
Possible spelling mistake found.
Muay
Thai match is three times as high as that one of a concert ticket. The salary of fighters is beyond the expectations. A fight is able to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
help
them
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
get
millions of dollars.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Because
of the immediate benefits, despite knowing the result of taking such extreme
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
are
still
willing to try.

To sum up, banning
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sports
involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts is a controversial problem.
However
, I
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
think
that they are should
be prohibited
since I can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
the disadvantages outweigh the advantages.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes
One language sets you in a corridor for life. Two languages open every door along the way.
Frank Smith

IELTS academic Some people think that sports involving violence, such as boxing and martial arts, should be banned from TV as well as from international sporting competitions. v. 3

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
285 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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