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The two piecharts below show the percentage of industry sectors contribution to the economy of Turkey in 2000 and 2016 v.2

The two piecharts below show the percentage of industry sectors contribution to the economy of Turkey in 2000 and 2016 v. 2
The piecharts compare information about the proportion of varioud manufacturing areas affording to the economy of turkey in 2000 and 2016. In an overview, it can be noticed that, agriculture and helthcare were the most significant contributing sectors in the initial and final year respectively in comparison to other sectors. As it is apparent from the figure that, agriculture, which contributed about 24 percent of its income to the economy of turkey in 2000 declined significantly to 14 percent in 2016. Similar trend of decrement can be seen for leisure and government areas, however, in lesser proportion. On the other hand, the construction field allocated only 3 percent of its earning in the initial year increased by more than 3 fold and reached to 10 percent in the final year. Likewise, the proportion of manufacturing and finance also rose to 12 percent and 8 percent respectively whereas there was just increment of 2 percent in trade in the final year. As for healthcare the affording to the nation remained constant at 17 percent in both years.
The
Possible spelling mistake found.
piecharts
compare information about the proportion of
Possible spelling mistake found.
varioud
manufacturing areas affording to the economy of
Did you mean the country "Turkey" (which needs to be capitalized)?
turkey
in 2000 and 2016.

In an overview, it can
be noticed
that, agriculture and
Possible spelling mistake found.
helthcare
were the most significant contributing sectors in the initial and final
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
respectively
in comparison
to other sectors.

As it is apparent from the figure that, agriculture, which contributed about 24
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
of its income to the economy of
Did you mean the country "Turkey" (which needs to be capitalized)?
turkey
in 2000 declined
significantly
to 14
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in 2016. Similar trend of decrement can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
for leisure and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
areas,
however
, in lesser proportion.

On the other hand
, the construction field allocated
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
of its earning in the initial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
increased by more than 3
Possible agreement error. The noun 'fold' seems to be countable, so consider using: "folds".
fold
and reached to 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in the final
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
Likewise
, the proportion of manufacturing and finance
also
rose to 12
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
and 8
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
respectively
whereas there was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
increment of 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in trade in the final
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
“As” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
As
for healthcare the affording to the nation remained constant at 17
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percent
in both years.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
12Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes
One should not aim at being possible to understand but at being impossible to misunderstand.
Marcus Fabius Quintilian

IELTS academic The two piecharts below show the percentage of industry sectors contribution to the economy of Turkey in 2000 and 2016 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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