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The two pie charts below shows the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. v.1

The two pie charts below shows the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. v. 1
The pie charts show the four retail sectors in Canada in terms of the percentage of their internet sales in two-year 2005 and 2010. As an overview, the most popular online shopping sales was electronic appliances. It is clear from the chart that, in 2005, the percentage of online food and beverages was about 22% which increased by 10% in the 2010. However, the percentage for internet sales of video games also went up by 5% from the 2005 figure of 18%. In contrast, the percentage of the online sales of the other sectors decreased. The most dramatic fall was in the home furnishings retail sectors. While, the figure was 25% of the total online sales of these four sectors in 2005, it fell to just 15% in 2010. Further, there was also a decline in the electronics and appliances sectors which showed a decline from 35% in 2005 to 30% in 2010. To sum up, figure for food and beverages as well as video games increased. Whereas, other sectors observed with decrease in the given time period.
The pie charts
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show
the four retail
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sectors
in Canada in terms of the
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percentage
of their internet
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sales
in two-year 2005 and 2010. As an overview, the most popular
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online
shopping
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sales
was electronic appliances.

It is
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clear
from the chart that, in 2005, the
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percentage
of
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online
food and beverages was about 22% which increased by 10% in the 2010.
However
, the
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percentage
for internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of video games
also
went up by 5% from the 2005 figure of 18%.

In contrast
, the
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percentage
of the
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online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of the other
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sectors
decreased. The most dramatic fall was in the home furnishings retail
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sectors
. While, the figure was 25% of the total
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online
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sales
of these four
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sectors
in 2005, it fell to
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just
15% in 2010.
Further
, there was
also
a decline in the electronics and appliances
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sectors
which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a decline from 35% in 2005 to 30% in 2010.

To sum up, figure for food and beverages
as well
as video games increased.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, other
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sectors
observed with decrease in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
time period.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic The two pie charts below shows the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
178 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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