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the pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. v.2

the pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. v. 2
The charts compare fours sections in Canada in terms of the proportion of their internet sales in two years, 2005 and 2010. Overall, the proportion of online sales for each of the four sectors saw significant changes from 2005 to 2010. It is also clear that while food and beverage and video games had upward trends, the percentages for the other sectors decreased over the period. In 2005, food and beverage accounted for 22% of online sales, the figure increased by 10% in 2010, making it the highest among the sectors. Likewise, although video games had the lowest online sales in 2005, 18%, the percentage went up to 23% in 2010. In contrast, the figures for both the other sectors fell. Particularly, there was a dramatic fall in the internet sales for the home furnishing sector, from 25% in 2005 to only 15% in 2010, which meant that this figure was the lowest at the end. The proportion for electronics and appliances had a smaller decrease, by 5% from the 2005 figure of 35%.
The charts compare fours sections in Canada in terms of the proportion of their internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in two years, 2005 and 2010.

Overall
, the proportion of online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
for each of the four
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
from 2005 to 2010. It is
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that while food and beverage and video games had upward trends, the percentages for the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
decreased over the period.

In 2005, food and beverage accounted for 22% of online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
increased by 10% in 2010, making it the highest among the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
Likewise
, although video games had the lowest online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2005, 18%, the percentage went up to 23% in 2010.

In contrast
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
for both the other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
fell.
Particularly
, there was a dramatic fall in the internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
for the home furnishing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, from 25% in 2005 to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
15% in 2010, which meant that this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
was the lowest at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
. The proportion for electronics and appliances had a smaller decrease, by 5% from the 2005
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
of 35%.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS academic the pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in Canada in 2005 and 2010. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
174 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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