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The graph shows the data about the annual earning of three different bakeries in London from 2000 to 2010. v.2

The graph shows the data about the annual earning of three different bakeries in London from 2000 to 2010. v. 2
The line graph compares the information about the annual income earned by different three bakeries namely lovely loaves, Bernie' s buns and Robbie bakery in London from 2000 to 2010. As an overview, in the first year the highest income observed in the lovely loaves which replaced by Robbie bakery in the last year. It is clear from the chart that, in 2000 the yearly income of Lovely loaves was 80, 000 thousand pounds. Whereas, the same total of other two bakeries noticed as roughly 75 thousand pounds. However, this bakery remained erratic and it dropped to 40 thousand pound in 2010. Moving towards other two bakeries, a consistency can observed in the yearly income of Robbie bakery with almost 55 thousand pounds. Afterwards, there was continuing rise in the annual income. Making it, the most profitable in the last two years at around 105, 000 thousand pounds in the last year. Furthermore, the annual income of Bernie' s buns around 20, 000 thousand pounds by 2003 that earning doubled. Whereas, the income remained constant for the rest of two years. At last, by 2010, as consistent growth can seen in the yearly income of this bakery around 63, 000 thousand pound in the 2010. To sum up, the increasing trend was following by the annual income of Bernie' s buns and Robert bakery. While, it was opposite in the case of Lovely loaves in the given time period.
The line graph compares the information about the annual
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income
earned by
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
three bakeries

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
namely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lovely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loaves
,
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bernie&
#039; s buns and Robbie bakery in London from 2000 to 2010. As an overview, in the
first
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year
the highest
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
observed in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
lovely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loaves
which replaced by Robbie bakery in the last year.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the chart that, in 2000 the yearly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Lovely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loaves
was 80, 000 thousand pounds. Whereas, the same total of other two bakeries noticed as roughly 75 thousand pounds.
However
, this bakery remained erratic and it dropped to 40 thousand
Possible agreement error. The noun 'pound' seems to be countable, so consider using: "pounds".
pound
in 2010.

Moving towards other two bakeries, a consistency can observed in the yearly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
of Robbie bakery with almost 55 thousand pounds. Afterwards, there was continuing rise in the annual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
. Making it, the most profitable in the last two years at around 105, 000 thousand pounds in the last
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
.
Furthermore
, the annual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bernie&
#039; s buns around 20, 000 thousand pounds by 2003 that earning doubled. Whereas, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
remained constant for the rest of two years. At last, by 2010, as consistent growth can
Did you mean "see" or "be seen"?
seen
in the yearly
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
of this bakery around 63, 000 thousand
Possible agreement error. The noun 'pound' seems to be countable, so consider using: "pounds".
pound
in the 2010.

To sum up, the increasing trend was following by the annual
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
income
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Bernie&
#039; s buns and Robert bakery.
“While” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
While
, it was opposite in the case of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Lovely
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
loaves
in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
time period.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
19Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
9Mistakes
You can never understand one language until you understand at least two.
Geoffrey Willans

IELTS academic The graph shows the data about the annual earning of three different bakeries in London from 2000 to 2010. v. 2

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
239 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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