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The pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v.2

The pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v. 2
The pie charts compare the proportion of retail sectors consummed on online in New Zealand in 10 years between 2003 and 2013. It is clearly shown that New Zealand people spend money more on film and music, and also books in 2013 than a decade ago, while they consumed less to travel and clothes in 2013 that 2003 on online shops. In the detail, travel was the best selling item in 2003 accounting for 36% of online sales but its ratio decreased at 29% after 10years and became the second best seller. On the other hand, film and music made up the biggest part of online sales since it increased from 21% in 2003 to 33% in 2013. Other remained areas also changed. The proportion of people buying books rised slightly from 19% to 22% during at the same time. Conversely, the similar portion dropped in the percentage of clothes from 24% to 16% at that period. Overall, we can see that New Zealand people' s consuming pattern moved from travel to film and music greatly.
The pie charts compare the proportion of retail sectors
Possible spelling mistake found.
consummed
on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
in New Zealand in 10 years between 2003 and 2013.

It is
clearly
shown that New Zealand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
spend money more on film and music, and
also
books in 2013 than a decade ago, while they consumed less to travel and clothes in 2013 that 2003 on
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
shops.

In the detail, travel was the
This word is normally spelled with hyphen.
best selling
item in 2003 accounting for 36% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
sales
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
its ratio decreased at 29% after 10years and became the second
This word is normally spelled as one.
best seller
.
On the other hand
, film and music made up the biggest part of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
sales since it increased from 21% in 2003 to 33% in 2013.

Other remained areas
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
. The proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
buying books
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "rose", the past tense form of the verb 'rise'?
rised
slightly
from 19% to 22% during at the same time.
Conversely
, the similar portion dropped in the percentage of clothes from 24% to 16% at that period.

Overall
, we can
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
see
that New Zealand
Possible spelling mistake found.
people&
#039; s consuming pattern
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
moved
from travel to film and music
greatly
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
4Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS academic The pie charts show the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v. 2

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
176 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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