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The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009. v.2

The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009. v. 2
The table illustrates the variation in the proportion of people attending in seven kinds of sports in the Europe between 1999 to 2009. Overall, It is viewed that, football always received the highest percentage of people than rest of others. Whereas, golf had a small number of people in 1999. To begin, about 57% of people joined in football in 1999, which was decreased steadily in other recorded years but always occupied the highest proportion. Whereas, the number of people joined tennis was 32% less than in football in 1999 but there was a slight increase and reached to 33% in 2009. About 32% people swam in 1999, it just increased slightly to 34% and flattened out after 2004. As can be seen, there is a mere minority of golf and volleyball; however, they jumped further 17% and 185 respectively in 2009. Basketball accounted for 26% in 1999 and it experienced a decrease of 2% in 2009. By contrast, Yoga had only 10% of people in the first five years and raised to 13% in 2009.
The table illustrates the variation in the proportion of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
attending in seven kinds of sports in the Europe
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 1999 and 2009".
between 1999 to 2009
.

Overall
, It
is viewed
that, football always received the highest percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
than rest of others.
“Whereas” at the beginning of a sentence usually requires a 2nd clause. Maybe a comma, question or exclamation mark is missing, or the sentence is incomplete and should be joined with the following sentence.
Whereas
, golf had a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in 1999.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
, about 57% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
in football in 1999, which
was decreased
steadily
in other recorded years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
always occupied the highest proportion. Whereas, the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
joined
tennis was 32% less than in football in 1999
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there was a slight increase and reached to 33% in 2009. About 32%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
swam in 1999, it
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
increased
slightly
to 34% and flattened out after 2004.

As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
, there is a mere minority of golf and volleyball;
however
, they jumped
further
17% and 185
respectively
in 2009. Basketball accounted for 26% in 1999 and it experienced a decrease of 2% in 2009. By contrast, Yoga had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
10% of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in the
first
five years and raised to 13% in 2009.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
7Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Learning a new language is becoming a member of the club – the community of speakers of that language.
Frank Smith

IELTS academic The table shows the change in the percentage of people joining in seven different sports from 1999 to 2009. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
176 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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