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The graph below show the weekday volume of passengers activity on the Toronto Metro System for July 2007 v.2

The graph below show the weekday volume of passengers activity on the Toronto Metro System for July 2007 v. 2
The line graph illustrates the activity of passengers weekly on the Toronto Metro System. Overall, the maximum number of people usually used the Toronto Metro System at 8 in the morning and 6 in the evenings. Taking a closer look on the line graph, in the beginning, the activity of the Toronto Metro System started at 6 am with around 100 thousand people. Then, it increased gradually before reaching a peak at 400 thousand people at 8 am. After that, there was a sudden decline on the number of people from 9 to 10 which represented the lowest with nearly 200 thousand. Going further, after a sudden decrease at 10 am, it climbed to more than 300 thousand people at 12 in the morning until decreasing tremendously to approximately 100 thousand people was the same as the the number of passengers using the Toronto Metro System at 6 am. In addition? The number of travelers from 8 to 9 and between 6 and 7 showed the same patterns, they both had the more the passengers than the other hours. However, afterwards, the number of passengers kept on decreasing when it was at 10 pm, there were roughly 150000 people present on the Toronto Metro System.
The line graph illustrates the activity of
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passengers
weekly on the Toronto
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Metro
System.

Overall
, the maximum
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number
of
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people
usually
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the Toronto
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Metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
System
at 8 in the morning and 6 in the evenings.

Taking a closer look on the line graph, in the beginning, the activity of the Toronto
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
System
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
at 6 am with around 100 thousand
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people
. Then, it increased
gradually
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
reaching a peak at 400 thousand
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people
at 8 am. After that, there was a sudden decline on the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
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people
from 9 to 10 which represented the lowest with
nearly
200 thousand.

Going
further
, after a sudden decrease at 10 am, it climbed to more than 300 thousand
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people
at 12 in the morning until decreasing
tremendously
to approximately 100 thousand
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people
was the same as
Maybe you need to remove one determiner so that only "the" or "the" is left.
the the
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number
of
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passengers
using the Toronto
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Metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
System
at 6 am.
In addition
? The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of travelers from 8 to 9 and between 6 and 7
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the same patterns, they both had the more the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passengers
than the other hours.
However
, afterwards, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
passengers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on decreasing when it was at 10 pm, there were roughly 150000
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
present on the Toronto
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Metro
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
System
.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
25Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
Learning another language is not only learning different words for the same things, but learning another way to think about things.
Flora Lewis

IELTS academic The graph below show the weekday volume of passengers activity on the Toronto Metro System for July 2007 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
205 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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