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The bar charts show the various activities in the evening and how they often do between 1980 and 2010 v.2

The bar charts show the various activities in the evening and how they often do between 1980 and 2010 v. 2
The bar charts give the information on the different activities of people in the evening and the frequency of the activities per month. Generally, the over 50 aged group spent their most time for visiting their family and friends while the online at home covered as the least activity that people enjoyed. Taking a closer look on the bar chart 1980, the over 50 years group set aside their time for family and friends was about 10 times a month more than other groups and eating out were occupied at second place. The group of age from 15-25 years and 25-40 aged group showed the similar patterns that they both loved going to the cinema and go shopping and they went there for about more than 2 times and 3 times respectively. Turning to 2010, it showed the different trend. The online at home became the most attractive activity and they did not often go for a visit.
The bar charts give the information on the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in the evening and the frequency of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
per month.

Generally
, the over 50 aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
spent their most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for visiting their family and friends while the online at home covered as the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enjoyed.

Taking a closer look on the bar chart 1980, the over 50 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
set aside their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
for family and friends was about 10
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
a month more than other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
groups
and eating out
were occupied
at second place. The
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
of age from 15-25 years and 25-40 aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the similar patterns that they both
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
loved
going to the cinema and go
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
shopping and
they went there for about more than 2
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
and 3
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
respectively
.

Turning to 2010, it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
trend. The online at home became the most attractive
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
activity and
they did not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
often
go for a visit.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The bar charts show the various activities in the evening and how they often do between 1980 and 2010 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
158 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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