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the table below shows the number of people in each age group working in certain sectors in the UK in 1998 and 2006 v.1

the table below shows the number of people in each age group working in certain sectors in the UK in 1998 and 2006 v. 1
The tabular data depicts how many people worked in 4 certain divisions in the UK in 1998 and 2006. First of all, in 1998, the major proportion of young people (over 100, 000) preferred to work in building sector which kept on decreasing with age. The figures for this sector had fewer workers overall in 2006 though it retained a similar age profile to that of 1998. Similarly, in hotel and catering, the age of workers used to be much younger in 1998, with the majority of workers being under 35. In 2006, the majority of people were between 26 and 45, with more workers in the over-46 category ( four thousand more in each category) than in 1998 and fewer in under 25s. Whereas the other 2 workplaces had either a fluctuating or an increasing trend. Amongst them, the technology industry has seen an enormous change with substantially more workers now than in 1998, but the vast majority of these were still in the 26-35 age band which were under 65, 000 and around 450, 000 respectively). The numbers in education have not changed that much within each age category, although there are now fewer workers in the over-56 age group with a difference of over 20, 000 which became half. Overall, it can be seen that hotel and catering as well as building had dropped in the later ages and also in 2006. Whereas middle-aged people were preferring to work in technology and education field with the overall highest figure seen for technology for the 26-35 age group.
The tabular data depicts how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
worked in 4 certain divisions in the UK in 1998 and 2006.

This phrase is redundant. Consider using "first".
First of all
, in 1998, the major proportion of young
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
(over
100, 000) preferred to work in building sector which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on decreasing with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
. The figures for this sector had fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
overall
in 2006 though it retained a similar
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
profile to that of 1998.
Similarly
, in hotel and catering, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
to be much younger in 1998, with the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
being under 35. In 2006, the majority of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
were between 26 and 45, with more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over-46
category
Don't put a space after the opening parenthesis
(
four thousand more in each category) than in 1998 and fewer in under 25s.

Whereas the other 2 workplaces had either a fluctuating or an increasing trend. Amongst them, the technology industry has
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
an enormous
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
with
substantially
more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
than in 1998,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the vast majority of these were
still
in the 26-35
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
band which were under 65, 000 and around 450, 000
respectively
Unpaired symbol: '(' seems to be missing
)
. The numbers in education have not
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
that much within each
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
category, although there are
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
now
fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workers
in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over-56
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group with a difference of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
20, 000 which became half.

Overall
, it can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
that hotel and catering
as well
as building had dropped in the later
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ages
and
also
in 2006. Whereas middle-aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
The verb 'preferring' is a stative verb and sometimes the progressive form is not correct. Try a simple form instead.
were preferring
to work in technology and education field with the
overall
highest figure
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
for technology for the 26-35
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
age
group.
8Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
22Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages know nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic the table below shows the number of people in each age group working in certain sectors in the UK in 1998 and 2006 v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
260 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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