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The graph shows Internet Usage in Taiwan by Age Group, 1998-2000. v.1

The graph shows Internet Usage in Taiwan by Age Group, 1998-2000. v. 1
The bar graph outlines the percentage of internet users in Taiwan based on their age groups between 1998 and 2000. As is presented in the bar graph, the ratio of Taiwanese internet users between 16 and 30 years was higher than that of other age groups and over the time, internet users' ratio from younger and aged people increased. According to the given data, in 1998 more than 50% internet users in Taiwan were between 16 and 30 years old. People from 31 to 50 years old were 41% of total internet users. Very fewer people over 50 years old or less than 15 years used the internet in Taiwan in this year. Next year, the proportion of younger and aged internet subscribers increased to 8%  and internet users from other two age groups decreased slightly. In 2000, the same trend can be observed and senior internet users expanded to 10% while the percentage of internet users among 16 to 50 years reduced by 1-2%. As is observed from the bar graph, the internet was popular among the 16 to 50 years old people in Taiwan and over times the younger and senior citizens' affection and needs towards internet usages extended.
The bar graph outlines the percentage of internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
in Taiwan based on their age groups between 1998 and 2000. As
is presented
in the bar graph, the ratio of Taiwanese internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
between 16 and 30 years was higher than that of other age groups and over the time, internet users' ratio from younger and aged
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
increased.

According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
data, in 1998 more than 50% internet
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users
in Taiwan were between 16 and 30 years
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old
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
People
from 31 to 50 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
were 41% of total internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Very
fewer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
over 50 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
or less than 15 years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
the internet in Taiwan in this year.

Next
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year
, the proportion of younger and aged internet subscribers increased to 8%
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
and internet
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users
from other two age groups decreased
slightly
. In 2000, the same trend can
be observed
and senior internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
expanded to 10% while the percentage of internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
users
among 16 to 50 years
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
by 1-2%.

As
is observed
from the bar graph, the internet was popular among the 16 to 50 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
in Taiwan and over times the younger and senior citizens' affection and needs towards internet usages extended.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
The conquest of learning is achieved through the knowledge of languages.
Roger Bacon

IELTS academic The graph shows Internet Usage in Taiwan by Age Group, 1998-2000. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
201 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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