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The graph shows Internet Usage in Taiwan by Age Group, 1998-2000. v.3

The graph shows Internet Usage in Taiwan by Age Group, 1998-2000. v. 3
The bar chart illustrates the percentages of internet users in Taiwan in three different age groups between 1998 and 2000. Overall, young internet users in Taiwan was remarkably higher than older internet users. It is clear that the highest internet user was the young age group (between 16 and 30 years), though the rate had decreased over the period, while the lowest was the junior population (aged below 15). In 1998, the highest population of internet users in Taiwan was the young people, as their figure was accounted for 53% of the total internet users. It dropped drastically to 44% in 2000. As for the middle age people (between 31 and 50 years), their figure had decreased slightly from 41% in 1998 to 37% in 2000. The senior people (aged 50 years and above) and the junior people figures’ were 4% and 2% 1998. As the senior people’s percentage grew by two-fold, the junior group rate also increased by 6% in 1999. And then both figures continued to increase as they reached 10% and 9% in 2000.
The bar chart illustrates the percentages of internet
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users
in Taiwan in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
age groups between 1998 and 2000.
Overall
, young internet
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users
in Taiwan was
remarkably
higher than older internet users.

It is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the highest internet
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
user
was the young age group (between 16 and 30 years), though the rate had decreased over the period, while the lowest was the junior population (aged below 15). In 1998, the highest population of internet
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users
in Taiwan was the young
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people
, as their
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figure
was accounted
for 53% of the total internet
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users
. It dropped
drastically
to 44% in 2000. As for the middle age
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
(between 31 and 50 years), their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figure
had decreased
slightly
from 41% in 1998 to 37% in 2000.

The senior
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people
(aged 50 years and above) and the junior
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people
If 'people' is plural here, don't use the third-person singular verb.
figures
’ were 4% and 2% 1998. As the senior
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people’s
percentage grew by two-fold, the junior group rate
also
increased by 6% in 1999. And then both
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
continued to increase as they reached 10% and 9% in 2000.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic The graph shows Internet Usage in Taiwan by Age Group, 1998-2000. v. 3

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
177 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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