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The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v.2

The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v. 2
The pie charts compare online sales of clothes, books, travel services and films/music in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013. Generally speaking, online sales of books and movies/music increased in a decade while clothing and travel related services witnessed a drop in sales in New Zealand. As is given in the pie charts, online travel service’s sale ratio was the highest in 2003, precisely 37%. Clothing and ‘film & music’ each made a 22% of total sales and it was 3% higher than the online sale ratio of books. After a decade, the sale ratio of clothes dipped by 6% while travel services witnessed a drop in online sales as well. Precisely 29% of online retail sales were from travel industries. Reversely, online sales of books and films surged in 2013, reached to 22% and 33% respectively. It is worth noticing that, approximately one-thirst of all online retail sales in 2013 was for film and music industries, though, its sale volume a decade ago was less than a quarter of total online retail sales.
The pie charts compare
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online
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sales
of clothes, books,
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travel
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services
and films/music in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013.
Generally
speaking,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of books and movies/music increased in a decade while clothing and
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travel
related
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services
witnessed a drop in
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sales
in New Zealand.

As is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
in the pie charts,
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online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
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service’s
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sale
ratio was the highest in 2003,
precisely
37%. Clothing and ‘film & music’ each made a 22% of total
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sales
and it was 3% higher than the
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online
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sale
ratio of books.

After a decade, the
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sale
ratio of clothes dipped by 6% while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
travel
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
services
witnessed a drop in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
as well
.
Precisely
29% of
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online
retail
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sales
were from
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travel
industries.
Reversely
,
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online
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
of books and films surged in 2013, reached to 22% and 33%
respectively
. It is worth noticing that, approximately one-thirst of all
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
in 2013 was for film and music industries, though, its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sale
volume a decade ago was less than a quarter of total
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
retail
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sales
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes

IELTS academic The pie charts below show the online sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
174 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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