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the pie charts below show the methods used by international students when booking the online English courses in three different countries in 2009 and 2010 v.2

the pie charts below show the methods used by international students when booking the online English courses in three different countries in 2009 and 2010 v. 2
The pie charts compare 3 countries in terms of the rate of the methods registering the online English courses for international students in 2 years 2009 and 2010. Overall, the rate of international students registering the online English courses through the internet increased from 2009 to 2010 in all 3 nations. In addition, while the percentage of other methods declined in Australia and the USA, those for Canada rose in the observed period. The proportion of the online English booked through the internet of international students in 2009 in Australia, USA and Canada were relatively the same, with 24%, 25%, and 27%. In 2010, these figures increased to 39% for Australia, 28% for the USA and 30% for Canada. Only 7% of other method used in Canada in 2009, which was by far lower than that of the USA and Australia, 28% and 20% respectively. while the figure for Canada increased to 20 % in 2010, those for the USA and Australia fell by 6% and 7% in the same year accordingly. USA and Canada saw a growth in the proportion of the online English courses registered by Pre-booked with agents method, by 3% and 9% respectively from 2009 to 2010 while the figure for Australia dropped to 17% in 2010. in terms of Arrival booking method, USA remained at 24% over the years. Australia saw an increase by 5% while Canada witnessed a decline by 15% over the researched period.
The pie charts compare 3 countries in terms of the rate of the
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methods
registering the
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online
English courses for international students in 2 years 2009 and 2010.

Overall
, the rate of international students registering the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
English courses through the internet increased from 2009 to 2010 in all 3 nations.
In addition
, while the percentage of other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
methods
declined in Australia and the USA, those for Canada rose in the observed period.

The proportion of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
online
English booked through the internet of international students in 2009 in Australia, USA and Canada were
relatively
the same, with 24%, 25%, and 27%. In 2010, these figures increased to 39% for Australia, 28% for the USA and 30% for Canada.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
7% of other
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method
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
used
in Canada in 2009, which was by far lower than that of the USA and Australia, 28% and 20%
respectively
.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
while
the figure for Canada increased to 20 % in 2010, those for the USA and Australia fell by 6% and 7% in the same year
accordingly
.

USA and Canada
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saw
a growth in the proportion of the
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online
English courses registered by Pre-booked with agents
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method
, by 3% and 9%
respectively
from 2009 to 2010 while the figure for Australia dropped to 17% in 2010.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
in
terms of Arrival booking
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method
, USA remained at 24% over the years. Australia
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
an increase by 5% while Canada witnessed a decline by 15% over the researched period.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is to the mind more than light is to the eye.
William Gibson

IELTS academic the pie charts below show the methods used by international students when booking the online English courses in three different countries in 2009 and 2010 v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
241 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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