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The charts below show the main methods of transportation for people travelling to one university for work or study in 2004 and 2009. v.2

The charts below show the main methods of transportation for people travelling to one university for work or study in 2004 and 2009. v. 2
The pie charts compare the different in the means of transport for people coming to one university for study and work in 2004 and 2009. It is evident from the given charts that the significant changes were seen at three out of five modes of transport, namely: bus, bicycle, and car. Furthermore, while car was by far the most favorable mean in the first year examined, after 5 years, bus overtook that of car. In 2004, just above a half of staff and students who travelled to this university chose to go by car, followed by bus, which made up 33 per cent of total methods of transportation. Bicycle, walking, and train constituted the relatively smaller percentages of means (at 9, 4, and 3 per cent, respectively). After a half decade, the proportion of people decided to commute by bus increased sharply to 46 per cent, which could attribute to the new bus stop at this university in 2006. The similar trend could also be observed in the rate of bicycle users (nearly doubled that in 2004), train passengers, and pedestrians (rose marginally by 1 to 2 per cent). In contrast, due to the changes of car parking in 2008, the percentage of people enjoying traveling by car to this university witnessed a spectatular drop to 28 per cent.
The pie charts compare the
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
in the means of transport for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
coming to one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
for study and work in 2004 and 2009.

It is evident from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
charts that the significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
at three out of five modes of transport,
namely
: bus, bicycle, and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
.
Furthermore
, while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
was by far the most favorable mean in the
first
year examined, after 5 years, bus overtook that of car.

In 2004,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above a half of staff and students who travelled to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
chose to go by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
, followed by bus, which made up 33 per cent of total methods of transportation. Bicycle, walking, and train constituted the
relatively
smaller percentages of means (at 9, 4, and 3 per cent,
respectively
).

After a half decade, the proportion of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
decided to commute by bus increased
sharply
to 46 per cent, which could attribute to the new bus
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
stop
at this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
in 2006. The similar trend could
also
be observed
in the rate of bicycle users (
nearly
doubled that in 2004), train passengers, and pedestrians (rose
marginally
by 1 to 2 per cent).
In contrast
, due to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
parking in 2008, the percentage of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
enjoying traveling by
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
car
to this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
university
witnessed a
Possible spelling mistake found.
spectatular
drop to 28 per cent.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic The charts below show the main methods of transportation for people travelling to one university for work or study in 2004 and 2009. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
219 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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