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The pie charts below describe average household expenditures by major categories in Japan and Malaysia in 2010. v.3

The pie charts below describe average household expenditures by major categories in Japan and Malaysia in 2010. v. 3
The presented pie charts compare the expenses of Japanese and Malaysian people in five household categories in 2010. As can be seen from the given illustration, housing in Malaysia required just over one-third of the total cost while transportation in Japan demanded exactly the double cost than that in Malaysia on an average. As is evident from the given diagrams, food expenditure in Malaysia (27%) was slightly higher than that of Japan (24%). Different goods and services required the highest expenditure for Japanese while it was food that cost the Malaysian the most. Heath care drained 6% money for an average Japanese which was exactly double than the cost in Malaysia. However, just over one-third of the money in Malaysia went on housing while it was just over one-fifth in Japan. Malaysian people spent 26% of their total cost for different service and goods which was 3% lower than that of Japan. In summary, shelter, food and different commodities and service drained a lion share of a Malaysian’s earning while Japanese people spent more on products and service, foods, transport and housing in 2010. Finally, Japanese people had to spend more on medical services than that of Malaysians.
The presented pie charts compare the expenses of Japanese and Malaysian
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people
in five household categories in 2010. As can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration, housing in Malaysia required
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over one-third of the total
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cost
while transportation in Japan demanded exactly the double
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cost
than that in Malaysia on an average.

As is evident from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
diagrams,
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food
expenditure in Malaysia (27%) was
slightly
higher than that of Japan (24%).
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
Different
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
and
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services
required the highest expenditure for Japanese while it was
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
food
that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
cost
the Malaysian the most. Heath care drained 6% money for an average Japanese which was exactly
Use "doubler" to make a comparison with this adjective.
double
than the
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cost
in Malaysia.
However
,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over one-third of the money in Malaysia went on housing while it was
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
over one-fifth in Japan. Malaysian
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people
spent 26% of their total
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cost
for
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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service
and
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
goods
which was 3% lower than that of Japan.

In summary, shelter,
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food
and
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different
commodities and
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service
drained a lion share of a Malaysian’s earning while Japanese
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people
spent more on products and
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service
,
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foods
, transport and housing in 2010.
Finally
, Japanese
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people
had to spend more on medical
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services
than that of Malaysians.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS academic The pie charts below describe average household expenditures by major categories in Japan and Malaysia in 2010. v. 3

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
198 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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