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The line graph below shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040. v.2

The line graph below shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040. v. 2
The figure elucidates the percentage of mature people’s population in three different nations. At first glance, it is evident that Japan has a different pattern in comparison with the other two states. To begin with, the number of older individuals in Japan experienced a significant drop between 1940, which made up at 5%, and 1980, which constituted at just below a twentieth. Afterwards, it, erratically, uplifted tremendously over the following 60 years, soaring to just across a fourth by the end of the period shown. In contrast, 1940 to 1980 witnessed a dramatic growth for the population of aged 65 and over in Sweden and USA where it, initially, stood at well under a tenth for Sweden and at well beyond 5% for USA, and achieved to just below 15% and three-twentieths respectively. Unexpectedly, both of these countries palpitated considerably in the next 60 years where it terminated to 25% for Sweden and well over a fifth for USA in 2040.
The figure elucidates the percentage of mature
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
’s population in three
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
nations. At
first
glance, it is evident that Japan has a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
pattern
in comparison
with the other two states.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with, the number of older individuals in Japan experienced a significant drop between 1940, which made up at 5%, and 1980, which constituted at
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below a twentieth. Afterwards, it,
erratically
, uplifted
tremendously
over the following 60 years, soaring to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
across a fourth by the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period shown.

In contrast
, 1940 to 1980 witnessed a dramatic growth for the population of aged 65 and over in Sweden and USA where it,
initially
, stood at well under a tenth for Sweden and at well beyond 5%
A determiner is probably missing here: "for the USA".
for USA
, and achieved to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
below 15% and three-twentieths
respectively
.
Unexpectedly
, both of these countries palpitated
considerably
in the
next
60
It is better to use 'years' with the time-relative pronoun 'when': "years when". (Alternatively, use 'in/on which')
years where
it terminated to 25% for Sweden and well over a fifth
A determiner is probably missing here: "for the USA".
for USA
in 2040.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
0Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS academic The line graph below shows the proportion of population aged 65 and over in USA, Sweden and Japan from 1940 to 2040. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
161 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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