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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.9

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 9
The graphs give us a brief idea about the various changes that have taken place in 6 different employment sectors in Freedonia based on the population of both male and female sexes from 1975 to 1995. Though there isn't a major increase in the overall number of employees, some of the individual sectors showed a notable increase in its work population. The defence sector had the least number of men and women and even though there was a slight variation in the number of women the number of men in this sector remained the same in both the years. Manufacturing at 600 above men, 250 women and public sector apart from the defence at 800 above men and 600 above women in a thousand workers had no significant changes in both the years whatsoever. Most changes had been in the communication, finance and wholesale sectors with a large increase in the number of people from 1975 to 1995 speak out in the volume of the interest of the general public towards these sectors. Communication and wholesale sector had seen a huge hike in the number of women even overtaking men in the process. On these grounds, I conclude by saying the prominence of women in employment sectors in Freedonia is evident when we compare the graph of 1995 and 1975.
The graphs give us a brief
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
idea
about the various
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
that have taken place in 6
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in
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Freedonia
based on the population of both male and female sexes from 1975 to 1995. Though there isn't a major increase in the
overall
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number
of employees,
If the text is a generality, 'of the' is not necessary. Did you mean "some"?
some of the
individual
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sectors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
a notable increase in its work population.

The
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
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sector
had the least
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and
even though
there was a slight variation in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
remained the same in both the years. Manufacturing at 600 above
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men
, 250
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
and public
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
apart from the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
at 800 above
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
and 600 above
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in a thousand workers had no significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in both the years whatsoever. Most
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
had been in the communication, finance and wholesale
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
with a large increase in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
from 1975 to 1995 speak out in the volume of the interest of the
Consider using "public".
general public
towards these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
. Communication and wholesale
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
had
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
a huge hike in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
even overtaking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in the process.

On these grounds, I conclude by saying the prominence of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
in employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
is evident when we compare the graph of 1995 and 1975.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
6Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 9

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
220 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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