Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.1

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 1
The diagrams compare the male and female employment status in six different job sectors in two different years – 1975 and 1995. As is seen from the given illustration, men were well ahead of women in all the job sectors in Freedonia in 1975. However, the scenario changed in 1995 and women employment scenario showed a remarkable progress. According to the charts, men in Freedonia were visibly ahead of females in manufacturing, finance/banking, wholesale & retail trade, defence and non-defence sectors. In manufacturing, more than 600 male employees could be seen against only 300 female employees out of a thousand employees. Except in the communication sector, the proportion of male employees was far greater than that of females. Among the given job sectors, the public /non-defence sector had the highest number of employees while the defence sector had the least ratio of employees. After 20 years, women showed an outstanding advancement in these job sectors and they went well ahead of men in communication, wholesale & retail trade sectors. They become almost equal in number in finance and banking jobs while the gap between male and female employees’ number reduced in defence jobs. The only sector still dominated by the male was manufacturing and the job ratio in this sector remained almost the same as it was 20 years earlier.
The diagrams compare the male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
employment status in six
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in two
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
years
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
1975 and 1995. As is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were well ahead of women in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
in 1975.
However
, the scenario
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
in 1995 and women employment scenario
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
Uncountable nouns are usually not used with an indefinite article. Use simply "remarkable progress".
a remarkable progress
.

According to the charts,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
were
visibly
ahead of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in manufacturing, finance/banking, wholesale & retail trade,
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
and
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
. In manufacturing, more than 600 male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
against
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
300
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
out of a thousand
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
. Except in the communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
, the proportion of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
was far greater than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
. Among the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
, the public /
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
had the highest number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
while the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
had the least ratio of employees.

After 20 years, women
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
an outstanding advancement in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
sectors and
they went well ahead of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
in communication, wholesale & retail trade
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
. They become almost equal in number in finance and banking
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
while the gap between male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees’
number
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
reduced
in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
. The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
still
dominated by the male was manufacturing and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
ratio in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
remained almost the same as it was 20 years earlier.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
29Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
10Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
220 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts