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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.10

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 10
The line graphs compare the number of male and female employees in every thousand in six sectors in Freedonia in 1975 and 1995. At a glance at the graph, it is clear that women advanced well in 20 years in Freedonia in terms of their involvements in different jobs. As can be seen from the graphs, among all the sectors, non-defence public sector was the most popular working field for both the genders in 1975, in which, the number of males and females was around 900, 000 and 700, 000 respectively. Interestingly, the figures for both the genders in this sector remained the same even in1995, followed by wholesale and retail sector, where the rate of women employees was 570, 000 in1975 which rose to 800, 000 after 2 decades whereas the figures for their counterparts worked in the same sector stayed at a constant figure of 800, 000 throughout the period. Likewise, in the field of manufacturing, the number of males and females had no change after 20 years from 700, 000 and 300, 000 respectively.   Noticeably, the number of men occupied in the field of communication and banking /finance remained steady during the time period at 300, 000 and just over 400, 000 correspondingly; whilst the figures for female employees in communication sector underwent a threefold increase from about 300, 000 by 1995. Similarly, in the banking sector, women had a fourfold rise to almost 450, 000. It can be seen that only 25, 000 women worked in the defence/ public sector in1975, while the figures for men was more than 225, 000. However, the rate of the former rose by 4 times and reached 100, 000 after 20 years whereas the figures for the latter had a fall to 200, 000.
The line graphs compare the
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number
of male and
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female
employees in every thousand in six
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sectors
in
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Freedonia
in 1975 and 1995. At a glance at the graph, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that
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women
advanced well in 20 years in
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Freedonia
in terms of their involvements in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
jobs.

As can be
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seen
from the graphs, among all the
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sectors
,
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non-defence
public
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sector
was the most popular working field for both the genders in 1975, in which, the
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number
of males and
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females
was around 900, 000 and 700, 000
respectively
.
Interestingly
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
figures
for both the genders in this
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sector
remained the same even in1995, followed by wholesale and retail
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sector
, where the rate of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
employees was 570, 000 in1975 which rose to 800, 000 after 2 decades whereas the
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figures
for their counterparts worked in the same
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sector
stayed at a constant
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figure
of 800, 000 throughout the period.

Likewise
, in the field of manufacturing, the
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number
of males and
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females
had no
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
after 20 years from 700, 000 and 300, 000
respectively
.
Possible typo: you repeated a whitespace
 
Noticeably
, the
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number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
occupied in the field of communication and banking /finance remained steady during the time period at 300, 000 and
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just
over 400, 000
correspondingly
; whilst the
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figures
for
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female
employees in communication
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sector
underwent a threefold increase from about 300, 000 by 1995.
Similarly
, in the banking
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sector
,
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women
had a fourfold rise to almost 450, 000. It can be
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seen
that
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only
25, 000
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women
worked in the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
/ public
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sector
in1975, while the
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figures
for
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men
was more than 225, 000.
However
, the rate of the former rose by 4 times and reached 100, 000 after 20 years whereas the
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figures
for the latter had a fall to 200, 000.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
27Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 10

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
295 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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