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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.11

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 11
The given bar charts illustrate the employment status of Freedonian women and men in different sectors in 1975 and two decades later in 1995. The x-axis presents the number of working people in thousands while the y-axis presents six sectors of employment. The public sector is the greatest employment opportunity provider in both the fiscal years, providing job to almost 850, 000 people with little change in the composition of male and female workers, where, more than 75% of women constituted its workforce. Jobs in manufacturing and finance/banking sector are fairly steady at around 600, 000 and 450, 000 respectively during both the years. However, the composition of the workforce in finance/banking sector changed with almost all the women employees displaced more than half of the men workforce during 1995. Wholesale and retail trade industry's workforce grew slightly in 1995 but the composition of workforce reversed during the later year with men displacing more than two-thirds of women workforce. Communication sector employed twice the number of employees in the later year however it had hired a lot of men employees, levelling the male-female ratio of workers in its industry. Defense, however, had contracted its opportunities but it had increased the number of women workforce by more than half of its workforce which was quite negligible in 1975.
The
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
bar charts illustrate the employment status of
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Freedonian
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women
and
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men
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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sectors
in 1975 and two decades later in 1995. The x-axis presents the number of working
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in thousands while the y-axis presents six
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sectors
of employment.

Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
public
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sector
is the greatest employment opportunity provider in both the fiscal years, providing job to almost 850, 000
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
with
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
change
in the composition of male and female workers, where, more than 75% of
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women
constituted its
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workforce
. Jobs in manufacturing and finance/banking
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sector
are
fairly
steady at around 600, 000 and 450, 000
respectively
during both the years.

However
, the composition of the
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workforce
in finance/banking
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sector
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
with almost all the
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women
employees displaced more than half of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workforce
during 1995. Wholesale and retail trade industry's
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workforce
grew
slightly
in 1995
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
the composition of
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workforce
reversed during the later year with
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
displacing more than two-thirds of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workforce
. Communication
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sector
employed twice the number of employees in the later year
however
it had hired
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
a lot of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
employees, levelling the male-female ratio of workers in its industry. Defense,
however
, had contracted its opportunities
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
it had increased the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workforce
by more than half of its
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
workforce
which was quite negligible in 1975.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 11

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
217 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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