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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.2

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 2
The line graphs show the information about employment scenario in Fredonia by gender in six different employment sectors during 1975 and 1995. It is very clear from the overall trend that men were pretty much dominating the job markets both during 1975 and 1995, but women made progress in the given 20 years period. According to the first graph that depicts the employment status in 1975, there were far more male employees in all the employment sectors than its opposite sex. Nearly half of the employees in the manufacturing industry were men. Most strikingly, 75% of financial sector employees were male. However, women appeared to be competing for shoulder to shoulder against their male counterpart in the communication sectors. Turning to the 1995 data, females had made a significant improvement in securing jobs in different employment sectors. On top of that, women outmatched the male counterpart in securing jobs in communication and wholesale & retail trade industry. Furthermore, nearly half of the communication sector employees were women. In finance sector as well, women were not very far behind. Comparing the two graphs, it seems very clear that in between those twenty years the number of male employees in these sectors had remained considerably the same, but there was a considerable increase of female employees in the majority of these job sectors.
The line graphs
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show
the information about
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employment
scenario in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Fredonia
by gender in six
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
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employment
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sectors
during 1975 and 1995. It is
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
from the
overall
trend that
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were pretty much dominating the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
markets both during 1975 and 1995,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
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women
made progress in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
20 years period.

According to the
first
graph that depicts the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
status in 1975, there were far more male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in all the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
than its opposite sex.
Nearly
half of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in the manufacturing industry were
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
. Most
strikingly
, 75% of financial
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
were male.
However
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
appeared to be competing for shoulder to shoulder against their male counterpart in the communication sectors.

Turning to the 1995 data, females had made a significant improvement in securing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
On top of that
,
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women
outmatched the male counterpart in securing
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
jobs
in communication and wholesale & retail trade industry.
Furthermore
,
nearly
half of the communication
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sector
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
. In finance
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sector
as well
,
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women
were not
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
far behind.

Comparing the two graphs, it seems
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
very
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that in between those twenty years the number of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
had remained
considerably
the same,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
there was a considerable increase of female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employees
in the majority of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
6Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
28Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
With languages, you are at home anywhere.
Edward De Waal

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
221 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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