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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.8

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 8
The line graphs illustrate the number of male and female workers in various sectors in Freedonia in 1975 and 1995. It is evident that manufacturing, trade and non-defence public sector employed most number of people. From the graph, it is clear that in 1975, male workers were involved in much greater numbers than females especially in manufacturing where about 700 men per thousand were involved which was more than twice the number of females. Similarly, men were employed over five times the number of females in banking. In all the other sectors men were considerably ahead in terms of employment in 1975. Then in 1995 female employment rocketed in communications, becoming almost double of that for males (300). It surpassed the male employment in retail trade as well (800 women per thousand employees). Except in manufacturing where the situation remained the same as 1975, women employment increased significantly in all the other sectors. Thus it is clear that male employment was much higher in 1975 compared to women but women employment have rocketed through the 20 years and has surpassed the male employment in some sectors.
The line graphs illustrate the
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number
of male and
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female
workers in various
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in
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Freedonia
in 1975 and 1995. It is evident that manufacturing, trade and
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non-defence
public
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sector
employed most
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
.

From the graph, it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that in 1975, male workers
were involved
in much greater
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numbers
than
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females
especially
in manufacturing where about 700
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
per thousand
were involved
which was more than twice the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
.
Similarly
,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were employed
over five times the
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number
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in banking. In all the other
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sectors
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
were
considerably
ahead in terms of
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employment
in 1975.

Then in 1995
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female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
rocketed in communications, becoming almost double of that for
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males
(300). It surpassed the male
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employment
in retail trade
as well
(800
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women
per thousand employees). Except in manufacturing where the situation remained the same as 1975,
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women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
increased
significantly
in all the other sectors.

Did you forget a comma after a conjunctive/linking adverb?
Thus
it is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
was much higher in 1975 compared to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
have rocketed through the 20 years and has surpassed the male
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employment
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
26Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 8

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
185 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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