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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.6

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 6
The provided line graphs compare the employment history of men and women in 1975 and 1995 dividing in six major sectors namely: manufacturing, communications, finance/ banking, wholesale & retail trade, non-defence public sectors and defence public sectors. As is observed from the given illustration, significant changes have been made in women's employment and women appear to have made remarkable improvements in almost the entire job sectors in Freedonia and in some sectors women went well ahead of men. Initially, in 1975, men were notably ahead of women in every sector of employment. For example, in the communication sector, about 260 men worked against 220 women in every thousand employees. Twenty years later, though the number of men remained unchanged, the number of women rose to over 550 in one thousand. A similar trend can be seen in the wholesale and retail trade sector, where the number of women rose from about 550 to almost 800 in every 1000 employees of this sector two decades later. The number of men in this sector remained stable over the period, at around 700 / thousand. Women also made their prominence in both the finance/ banking industries and in the defence-related public sector during this period. Where 125 women among one thousand employees worked in finance & banking institutions in 1975, this number increased to 450 by 1995. The number of men grew only marginally from 425 to 480 over the same period. In the defence sector, the number of men declined from 225 to 200 per thousand, while the number of women rose from 25 to over 100 per thousand. Two sectors that remained almost stable in terms of men and women employee ration are manufacturing and public sector. In manufacturing, about 300 women and 650 men worked in both surveyed years, and in public sector (non-defence), which employed 650 women and 850 men. In summary, we can say that women appear to have made gains in the workforce in Freedonia and in some sectors they went well ahead compared to men. Tips for
The provided line graphs compare the employment history of
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men
and
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women
in 1975 and 1995 dividing in six major
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sectors
namely
: manufacturing, communications, finance/ banking, wholesale & retail trade,
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non-defence
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public
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sectors
and
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defence
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public
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sectors
. As
is observed
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
illustration, significant
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
have
been made
in women's employment and
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women
appear to have made remarkable improvements in almost the entire job
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sectors
in
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Freedonia
and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
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sectors
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women
went well ahead of
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men
.

Initially
, in 1975,
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men
were
notably
ahead of
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women
in every
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sector
of employment.
For example
, in the communication
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sector
, about 260
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men
worked against 220
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women
in every thousand
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employees
. Twenty years later, though the
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number
of
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men
remained unchanged, the
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number
of
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women
rose to
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over
550 in one thousand. A similar trend can be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in the wholesale and retail trade
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sector
, where the
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number
of
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women
rose from about 550 to almost 800 in every 1000
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employees
of this
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sector
two decades later. The
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number
of
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men
in this
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sector
remained stable
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over
the period, at around 700 / thousand.

Women
also
made their prominence in both the finance/ banking industries and in the
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defence-related
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public
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sector
during this period. Where 125
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women
among one thousand
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employees
worked in finance & banking institutions in 1975, this
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number
increased to 450 by 1995. The
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number
of
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men
grew
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only
marginally
from 425 to 480
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over
the same period. In the
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
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sector
, the
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number
of
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men
declined from 225 to 200 per thousand, while the
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number
of
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women
rose from 25 to
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over
100 per thousand. Two
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sectors
that remained almost stable in terms of
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men
and
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women
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employee
ration are manufacturing and
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public
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sector
. In manufacturing, about 300
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women
and 650
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men
worked in both surveyed years, and in
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public
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sector
(
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non-defence
), which employed 650
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women
and 850
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

In summary, we can say that
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women
appear to have made gains in the workforce in
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Freedonia
and in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
some
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
they went well ahead compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
.

Tips for
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
59Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 6

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
340 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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