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The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v.5

The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 5
The provided illustrations compare the male and female workers in different employment sectors in Freedonia over 20 years of time by providing data for the years 1975 and 1995. As is observed from the given line graphs, women were far behind in employment in Freedonia in 1975 but within 20 years they made remarkable progress almost in all sectors and went well ahead of men in communications and wholesale & retail trade sectors. The graphs compare the number of male and female workers in 6 different sectors of Freedonia per thousand. In 1975, more men than women were employed in almost all the mentioned sectors of job categories. For instance, approximately 650 men were employed in manufacturing-related jobs compared to only 300 women per thousand of total employees in the same sectors. In almost all other cases, the numbers of male employees were much higher than the women and in communication sectors men were a bit ahead than female in their employment ration. After 20 years, in 1995, women made outstanding progress in Freedonian job sectors. For instance, in communication sectors, almost 600 female were employed compared to 300 male workers per thousand. Women went ahead of men in wholesale & retail trade sectors too. Except for the public sectors (non-defence) women hold the trends of progress compared to men in all other sectors. In 1975 only about 40 women worked in defence sectors and this number grew to more than 100 per thousand after 20 years. In summary, women did remarkable progress in Freedonian job fields over 20 years and they went ahead of men in many job sectors.
The provided illustrations compare the male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
workers in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
employment
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
over 20 years of time by providing data for the years 1975 and 1995. As
is observed
from the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
line graphs,
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women
were far behind in employment in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
in 1975
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
within 20 years they made remarkable
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progress
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almost
in all
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sectors
and went well
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ahead
of
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men
in communications and wholesale & retail trade sectors.

The graphs compare the number of male and
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female
workers in 6
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
of
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonia
per thousand. In 1975, more
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men
than
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women
were employed
in
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almost
all the mentioned
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sectors
of
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job
categories.
For instance
, approximately 650
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men
were employed
in manufacturing-related
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jobs
compared to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
300
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women
per thousand of total employees in the same
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sectors
. In
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almost
all other cases, the numbers of male employees were much higher than the
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women
and in communication
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sectors
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
were a bit
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ahead
than
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female
in their employment ration. After 20 years, in 1995,
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women
made outstanding
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progress
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonian
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job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
For instance
, in communication
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sectors
,
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almost
600
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female
were employed
compared to 300 male workers per thousand.
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Women
went
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ahead
of
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men
in wholesale & retail trade
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sectors
too.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Except for
the public
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sectors
(
Possible spelling mistake found.
non-defence
)
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women
hold the trends of
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progress
compared to
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men
in all other
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sectors
. In 1975
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
about 40
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women
worked in
Possible spelling mistake. 'defence' is British English.
defence
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sectors
and this number grew to more than 100 per thousand after 20 years.

In summary,
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women
did remarkable
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progress
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Freedonian
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job
fields over 20
Use a comma before 'and' if it connects two independent clauses (unless they are closely connected and short).
years and
they went
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ahead
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
men
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
job
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
sectors
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
50Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
8Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the numbers of male and female workers in 1975 and 1995 in several employment sectors of the Republic of Freedonia. v. 5

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
270 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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