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The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993 Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below v.4

The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993 Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below v. 4
The graphs illustrate changes in amount of male and female workers have full and part-time job in Australia over twenty-year period since 1973. The information is given for 6 age groups. Overall, there was a little percentage of men and women of youngest and oldest generations in full-time employment. The situation was reversed for part-time employment, except the oldest group whose percentage was still the least. The number of men have full-time job decreased over the period given, others had reversed changes. The exception was the percentage of female teenagers in full-time and male retired in part-time employment that decreased over 20 years. With regards to men over 20 and under 60, more 90% of them had a full-time job in 1973, which was about 10% higher than in 1993. Thus, less 5% of them were in part-time employment in the beginning of the period, and the percentage rose insignificantly. As concerning women, the percentage of those in full-time employment fluctuated rapidly among different ages from almost 60% in group 25-29 to just above zero in group over 65. The number of women between 20 and 60 engaged in part-time work was from 10% to 20% in 1973 and from 20% to 35% in 1993.
The graphs illustrate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
in amount of male and female workers have full and part-time job in Australia
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
twenty-year period since 1973. The information is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
for 6 age groups.

Overall
, there was a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
little
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percentage
of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women of youngest and oldest generations in full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
. The situation
was reversed
for part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
, except the oldest group whose
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
was
still
the least. The number of
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
Did you mean "has"?
have
full-time
Possible agreement error -- use past participle here: "jobbed".
job
decreased
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over
the period
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
, others had reversed
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changes
.
Three successive sentences begin with the same word. Consider rewording the sentence or use a thesaurus to find a synonym.
The
exception was the
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percentage
of female
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
teenagers
in full-time and male retired in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
that decreased
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
20 years.

Use "in regard to", "with regard to", or more simply "regarding".
With regards to
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
20 and under 60, more 90% of them had a full-time job in 1973, which was about 10% higher than in 1993.
Thus
, less 5% of them were in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
in the beginning of the period, and the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
rose
insignificantly
.

As concerning women, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of those in full-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
employment
fluctuated
rapidly
among
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
ages from almost 60% in group 25-29 to
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
just
above zero in group
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
65. The number of women between 20 and 60 engaged in part-time work was from 10% to 20% in 1973 and from 20% to 35% in 1993.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993 Write a report for a university lecturer describing the information shown below v. 4

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
205 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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