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The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part-time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993. v.3

The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part-time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993. v. 3
The line chart compares the proportion of males and females engaged in part-time and full-time employment in 1973 and 1993. The spectacular feature of the chart is a surge in the number of part-time workers while a decrease in the proportion of regular workers. Regarding the full-time workers, rates of males were generally ahead of the females counterparts. More than 80% of the males 20-60 age were involved in a whole day working while except 19-21 age, less than 50% women involved in the full shifts and it collapsed with the decrement in age. Switching to the limited time shifts, women were leading as contrasted to the men equivalent. In 1973, only a small proportion of males were engaged in part-time work while this number elevated to one-fourth proportion after two decades. However, around 5% males remained in the short intervals of work of all ages in 1993. In addition, females of 30-50 preferred to work in small intervals more as compared to the others. Overall, maximum males were employed in full day shifts while females in part-time work.
The line chart compares the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
engaged in part-time and full-time employment in 1973 and 1993. The spectacular feature of the chart is a surge in the number of part-time workers while a decrease in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of regular workers.

Regarding the full-time workers, rates of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
were
generally
ahead of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
counterparts. More than 80% of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
20-60 age
were involved
in a whole day working while except 19-21 age, less than 50% women involved in the full shifts and it collapsed with the decrement in age.

Switching to the limited time shifts, women were leading as contrasted to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
equivalent. In 1973,
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
a
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
were engaged
in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
while this number elevated to one-fourth
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
proportion
after two decades.
However
, around 5%
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
remained in the short intervals of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
of all ages in 1993.
In addition
,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
of 30-50 preferred to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
small
intervals more
Comparison requires "than", not 'then' nor 'as'.
as
compared to the others.

Overall
, maximum
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
were employed
in full day shifts while
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in part-time
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
work
.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
18Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show the number of men and women in full and part-time employment in Australia between 1973 and 1993. v. 3

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
179 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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