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The graphs below show current rates of secondary and higher education among people in various parts of the world v.2

The graphs below show current rates of secondary and higher education among people in various parts of the world v. 2
The following two bar charts give data on the precentage of secondary and higher education among population in four different nations in the World. The first figure provides rate of secondary education by school-aged population while the last figure reveals proportion of higher education by adult population. Not surprisingly, from the first graph provided that the most rate of middle school among school-aged population occurred in the Europe, almost 90 percent male student and 100 percent female student. In Europe, Sub-Saharan Africa, and Latin America, female middle students among school-aged population in three nations are far more likely to offend than male. But, the rate of male middle school student in East Asia is higher than female, just 50 percent of school-aged population. As for the second graph, the rate of Europe high school student is the biggest than other three countries. Also in Europe, the proportion of female high school student is slightly higher than male, at 50 percent in female and 40 percent in male. Yet, in other three nations the female higher education rate is lower than male. In conclusion, Europe region stands out noticeably being the first most secondary and higher population amongst the other regions.
The following two bar charts give data on the
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precentage
of secondary and higher
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education
among
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population
in four
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different
nations in the World. The
first
figure provides
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rate
of secondary
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education
by school-aged
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population
while the last figure reveals proportion of higher
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education
by adult population.

Not
surprisingly
, from the
first
graph provided that the most
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rate
of middle
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school
among school-aged
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population
occurred in the Europe, almost 90
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percent
male
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student
and 100
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percent
female

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
student
. In Europe, Sub-Saharan Africa, and Latin America,
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female
middle
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students
among school-aged
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population
in three nations are far more likely to offend than male.
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
But
, the
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rate
of male middle
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school
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student
in East Asia is higher than
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female
,
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just
50
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percent
of school-aged population.

As for the second graph, the
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rate
of Europe high
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school
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student
is the
Use "bigger" to make a comparison with this adjective.
biggest
than other three countries.
Also
in Europe, the proportion of
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female
high
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
school
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
student
is
slightly
higher than male, at 50
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percent
in
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female
and 40
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percent
in male.
Yet
, in other three nations the
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female
higher
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education
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
is lower than male.

In conclusion
, Europe region stands out
noticeably
being the
first
most secondary and higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
population
Do not mix variants of the same word ('amongst' and 'among') within a single text.
amongst
the other regions.
5Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
33Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes

IELTS academic The graphs below show current rates of secondary and higher education among people in various parts of the world v. 2

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
200 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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