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The graphs below depict the GDP expenditure of the UAE on two different items (1985-1993) and the rate of infant mortality and of life expectancy in the same place between 1970 and 1992. v.2

The graphs below depict the GDP expenditure of the UAE on two different items (1985-1993) and the rate of infant mortality and of life expectancy in the same place between 1970 and 1992. v. 2
How much expenditure (in % of GDP) was spent on health and education by UAE government during period 1985 to 1993, how many babies died (per 1000 births) and how long age of life was expected for people in UAE between 1970 and 1992, are depicted by the graphs. It is immediately apparent that the GDP expenditure of UAE on education showed its superiority over that on health. Moreover, both of expenditures increase relatively during the period. In addition, while the general trend was for life expectancy figure to slight rise, there was a descending trend in infant mortality figure over the timeframe. Regarding the number of expenditure, education experienced a noticeable growth from about 10 in 1985 to around 15 in 1993 –the greatest proportion of this section. At the same time, health stood at roughly 8, witnessing a gradual decrease in 1990, and then grew remarkably of 2 at the end of the period. Turning to the infant mortality and life expectancy figure, the number of baby dies stood at nearly 60 in 1970 and then climbed moderately of about 10 in 1992. Furthermore, the life expectancy dropped dramatically by almost 70% over the 20-year period.
How much
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
(in % of GDP)
was spent
on health and education by UAE
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
government
during period 1985 to 1993, how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
babies
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
died
(per 1000 births) and how long age of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
was
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
expected
for
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
A determiner is probably missing here: "in the UAE".
in UAE
between 1970 and 1992,
are depicted
by the graphs.

It is immediately apparent that the GDP
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
A determiner is probably missing here: "of the UAE".
of UAE
on education
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
showed
its superiority over that on health.
Moreover
, both of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditures
increase
relatively
during the period.
In addition
, while the general trend was for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy figure to slight rise, there was a descending trend in infant mortality figure over the timeframe.

Regarding the number of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
expenditure
, education experienced a noticeable growth from about 10 in 1985 to around 15 in 1993 –the greatest proportion of this section. At the same time, health stood at roughly 8, witnessing a gradual decrease in 1990, and then grew
remarkably
of 2 at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.

Turning to the infant mortality and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy figure, the number of baby
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
dies
stood at
nearly
60 in 1970 and then climbed
moderately
of about 10 in 1992.
Furthermore
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
life
expectancy dropped
dramatically
by almost 70% over the 20-year period.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
Language is the road map of a culture. It tells you where its people come from and where they are going.
Rita Mae Brown

IELTS academic The graphs below depict the GDP expenditure of the UAE on two different items (1985-1993) and the rate of infant mortality and of life expectancy in the same place between 1970 and 1992. v. 2

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
198 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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