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The graph below depicts the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart below shows how electricity is used in an average home in the same country. v.2

The graph below depicts the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart below shows how electricity is used in an average home in the same country. v. 2
The diagrams illustrate how many units of electricity are demanded during 24 days in the two seasons (winter and summer) and the percentage of electricity use in an average home in England. It is immediately apparent that the general trend was for electricity demand to fluctuate during the period. In addition, the electricity usage in heating rooms and heating water show their superiority over that in other rooms at average home. Regarding the number of the electricity demand in England, in winter, the demand stood at about 35000 unit in the 0 day, increasing to roughly 40000 in the third day, and then dropped noticeably to 30000 in around the end of a week, before hitting a high off nearly 50000 –the highest level of electricity demand in England− and tailing off approximately 32000 at the end of the period. Moreover, in summer, the request experienced a wave, which is fluctuated around 18000. Turning to the use of electricity in an average home, heating rooms and heating water had a larger proportion of 52. 5%. This was followed by the category of the oven, kettles, washing machines, the group of vacuum cleaners, food mixers, electronic tools, and the bunch of lighting and radio. While the former was listed at 17%, the two latter had the similar percentage which was recorded at 15%.
The diagrams illustrate how
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
many
units of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
are demanded
during 24 days in the two seasons (winter and summer) and the percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
in an average home in England. It is immediately apparent that the general trend was for
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
to fluctuate during the period.
In addition
, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
usage in
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
rooms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
water
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
show
their superiority over that in other rooms at average home.

Regarding the number of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
in England, in winter, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
stood at about 35000 unit in the
It appears that a hyphen is missing.
0 day
, increasing to roughly 40000 in the third day, and then dropped
noticeably
to 30000 in around the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of a week,
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
hitting a high off
nearly
50000 –the highest level of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
demand
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
England−
and tailing off approximately 32000 at the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the period.
Moreover
, in summer, the request experienced a wave, which
is fluctuated
around 18000.

Turning to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
electricity
in an average home,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
rooms and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
heating
water had a larger proportion of 52. 5%. This
was followed
by the category of the oven, kettles, washing machines, the group of vacuum cleaners, food mixers, electronic tools, and the bunch of lighting and radio. While the former
was listed
at 17%, the two latter had the similar percentage which
was recorded
at 15%.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
15Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below depicts the demand for electricity in England during typical days in winter and summer. The pie chart below shows how electricity is used in an average home in the same country. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
222 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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