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the graph shows the percentage of people using the internet for different activities in a UK city between 2003 to 2006. v.2

the graph shows the percentage of people using the internet for different activities in a UK city between 2003 to 2006. v. 2
the bar chart illustrates the changes in the percentage of people in different age groups surfing the Internet in British from 2003 to 2006. The trend for people who aged between 16 to 24 group, 45 to 54 years old group and over 65 years old group roughly increased, though it experienced a slight fluctuation. As for the 25 to 44 years old group and people aged from 55 to 64 group shared the same trend which constantly increased. The young people who aged between 16 to 24 were the majority user of the Internet and the percentage of it kept stable at 60% in the first two years and then reached the peak before it fell to 65% in 2006. What is more, the number of senior age adults increased and reached the highest point in the second year, after which it went through a slight diminish and back again at 50%. In terms of the middle age people, the figure for it constantly increased from the half in 2003 to 58% in 2006, while the 55 to 64 years old group shared the same trend. It experienced a significant rise, from 30% suddenly jumped to 40%. What is more, it is interesting to notice that people who aged over 65-year-old didn' t use the Internet at all, though the number for it peaked at 16% in 2004 then dropped to 10% in 2005 which as much as the first year has.
This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
the
bar chart illustrates the
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changes
in the percentage of
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people
in
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different
age
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groups
surfing the Internet in British from 2003 to 2006. The trend for
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people
who
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aged
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 16 and 24".
between 16 to 24
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group
, 45 to 54 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
and over 65 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
roughly increased, though it experienced a slight fluctuation. As for the 25 to 44 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
and
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people
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
from 55 to 64
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group
shared the same trend which
constantly
increased.

The young
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people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 16 and 24".
between 16 to 24
were the majority user of the Internet and the percentage of it
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kept
stable at 60% in the
first
two years and then reached the peak
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
before
it fell to 65% in 2006.
What is more
, the number of senior age adults increased and reached the highest point in the second
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year
, after which it went through a slight diminish and back again at 50%.

In terms of the middle age
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people
, the figure for it
constantly
increased from the half in 2003 to 58% in 2006, while the 55 to 64 years
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
old
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
group
shared the same trend. It experienced a significant rise, from 30%
suddenly
jumped to 40%.
What is more
, it is interesting to notice that
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
people
who
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
aged
over 65-year-
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
Possible spelling mistake found.
didn&
#039; t
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
use
the Internet at all, though the number for it peaked at 16% in 2004 then dropped to 10% in 2005 which as much as the
first
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
year
has.
4Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4Mistakes
As a hawk flieth not high with one wing, even so a man reacheth not to excellence with one tongue.
Roger Ascham

IELTS academic the graph shows the percentage of people using the internet for different activities in a UK city between 2003 to 2006. v. 2

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
243 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
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