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The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2016. v.1

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2016. v. 1
The bar chart compares the ratio of male and female academic personnel in different departments of a university in 2016. A glance at the graph reveals that the proportion of male academics in Engineering, science, law and business was higher while there were more female staffs in faculties like arts, education and medicine. According to the illustration, engineering faculties was predominated by male instructors in 2016 as 85% of them were males. Law, business and science faculties also had a higher number of male academics, approximately six out of ten academic staffs were male. Interestingly, a similar percentage of staffs from both genders were employed in the faculty of medicine in this university. Looking further, arts and education faculties of this university had far more female teachers than that of males. In education faculty, more than seven in ten active academics were female. Female staff’s dominance is obvious in the faculty of Arts as well and their ratio was roughly 60%.
The bar chart compares the ratio of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
personnel in
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
departments of a university in 2016. A glance at the graph reveals that the proportion of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
in Engineering, science, law and business was higher while there were more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staffs
in faculties like arts, education and medicine.

According to the illustration, engineering faculties
was predominated
by male instructors in 2016 as 85% of them were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
. Law, business and science faculties
also
had a higher number of male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
, approximately six out of ten
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academic
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staffs
were male.
Interestingly
, a similar percentage of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staffs
from both genders
were employed
in the faculty of medicine in this university.

Looking
further
, arts and education faculties of this university had far more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
teachers than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
. In education faculty, more than seven in ten active
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
academics
were
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
.
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
Female
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
staff’s
dominance is obvious in the faculty of Arts
as well
and their ratio was roughly 60%.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
16Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
0Mistakes
A different language is a different vision of life.
Federico Fellini

IELTS academic The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2016. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
161 words
6.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 7.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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