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The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club. v.1

The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club. v. 1
The illustrations give the number of full-time male and female health-centre members in Miami and Florida throughout the year 2017 and outline the ratio of these members based on their gender and age. Overall, more male were active health centre members than that of females and just over half of them were between 21 to 45 years old. As the bar chart implies, 500 females were active members of different fitness clubs in Florida and Miami in January 2017 while their male counterparts were slightly higher in number. The membership count to these gyms and health centres remained almost the same till April but afterwards increased rapidly between June and September. During this period, fitness centres in these two areas had more than 800 active male participants and slightly over 700 female members. The number of male health club members had always been higher than that of females. From October until the end of the year, these clubs retained a fewer number of members and this number varied from 500 to 700. According to the pie charts, more than half of the male members of these fitness clubs were between 21 to 45 years old while this was exactly 50% for women. Over 65 years old men accounted for one-quarter participants while it was 6% higher in the case of females. Remaining one-fifth fitness club members were from different other age groups.
The illustrations give the
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number
of full-time male and
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female
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health-centre
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members
in Miami and Florida throughout the
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year
2017 and outline the ratio of these
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members
based on their gender and age.
Overall
, more male were active health
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centre
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members
than that of
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females
and
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just
over half of them were
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 21 and 45".
between 21 to 45
years
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old
.

As the bar chart implies, 500
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females
were active
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members
of
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
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clubs
in Florida and Miami in January 2017 while their male counterparts were
slightly
higher in
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number
. The membership count to these gyms and health
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
remained almost the same till April
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but
afterwards increased
rapidly
between June and September. During this period,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
Possible spelling mistake. 'centres' is British English.
centres
in these two areas had more than 800 active male participants and
slightly
over 700
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female
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members
. The
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number
of male health
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club
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members
had always been higher than that of
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females
. From October until the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
end
of the
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year
, these
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clubs
retained a fewer
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number
of
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members
and this
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number
varied from 500 to 700.

According to the pie charts, more than half of the male
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
members
of these
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
fitness
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
clubs
were
Use "between" + "and" not "to." Try this: "between 21 and 45".
between 21 to 45
years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
while this was exactly 50% for women. Over 65 years
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
old
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
accounted for one-quarter participants while it was 6% higher in the case of
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females
. Remaining one-fifth
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fitness
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club
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members
were from
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different
other age groups.
1Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
31Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
7Mistakes

IELTS academic The graph below shows the average monthly use of health club in Miami and Florida by all full-time members in 2017. The pie charts show the age profile of male and female members of this health club. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
232 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 6.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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