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The graph below shows the different home activities among young children in four different countries. v.1

The graph below shows the different home activities among young children in four different countries. v. 1
The bar chart shows data on young children's indoor activities in Malaysia, China, Nigeria and Sudan. As is obvious, playing computer games is the most popular leisure activity among children in these countries, and reading books is less common among Nigerian and Sudanese children. Interestingly, watching TV is the second most popular pastime and equally preferred by children in all these four countries. As the diagram suggests, computer games are quite popular among children in these countries as half of the children in Malaysia and Sudan play computer games. The ratio of children involved in this activity in Nigeria is even higher while four in ten offsprings in China play computer games. Watching TV programmes is another preferred home activity among youngsters as 30% of children in these countries follow TV when they are home. Board games are picked up by almost a quarter of the boys and girls in Malaysia and China while it is most popular in Sudan with 30% active participants in this activity. Finally, reading is not as common as other indoor activities are and the highest ratio of child readers reside in Malaysia, 20%. Only 10% Nigerian and Sudanese children read books when home and this ratio is 15% in China.
The bar chart
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
data on young children's indoor
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activities
in Malaysia, China, Nigeria and Sudan.

As is obvious, playing computer
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games
is the most
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popular
leisure
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activity
among
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children
in these countries, and reading books is less common among Nigerian and Sudanese
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children
.
Interestingly
, watching TV is the second most
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popular
pastime and
equally
preferred by
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children
in all these four countries.

As the diagram suggests, computer
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games
are quite
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popular
among
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children
in these countries as half of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
in Malaysia and Sudan play computer
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games
. The ratio of
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children
involved in this
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activity
in Nigeria is even higher while four in ten
Possible spelling mistake. Did you mean "offspring", the plural form of the noun 'offspring'?
offsprings
in China play computer
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games
. Watching TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
is another preferred home
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activity
among youngsters as 30% of
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children
in these countries follow TV when they are home. Board
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games
are picked
up by almost a quarter of the boys and girls in Malaysia and China while it is most
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popular
in Sudan with 30% active participants in this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activity
.
Finally
, reading is not as common as other indoor
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
activities
are and the highest ratio of child readers reside in Malaysia, 20%.
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
Only
10% Nigerian and Sudanese
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
children
read books when home and this ratio is 15% in China.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
A man who knows two languages is worth two men.
French Proverb

IELTS academic The graph below shows the different home activities among young children in four different countries. v. 1

Academic
  American English
3 paragraphs
206 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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