Do you want to improve your writing? Try our new evaluation service and get detailed feedback.
Check Your Text it's free

The graph below shows the different home activities among young children in four different countries. v.2

The graph below shows the different home activities among young children in four different countries. v. 2
The bar chart illustrates how youngsters in four countries (namely Malaysia, China, Nigeria and Sudan) participate in four different indoor activities. Overall, playing computer games is the most popular activity among those youngsters while reading books is the least preferred. Besides, watching different TV programmes is equally liked by the youths in these countries. To begin with, precisely half of all Malaysian and Sudanese children like to spend their leisure time playing computer games. At the same time, an even higher proportion of Nigerian boys and girls take part in this activity, 60 per cent to be exact. Finally, four out of ten adolescents in Sudan engage in this pastime activity. Watching TV is the second most common pastime and interestingly, it attracts exactly 30% of youngsters from all four countries. Regarding board games, an equal percentage of Sudanese children are involved while the figures range from one-fifth to one-fourth for the remaining countries. Additionally, 20% Malaysian and 15% Chinese children like to read books in their free time. For Nigeria and Sudan, their figures both stand at ten per cent. It is worth noticing that the popularity of computer games can be up to 6 times as much as that of reading books.
The bar chart illustrates how youngsters in four countries (
namely
Malaysia, China, Nigeria and Sudan) participate in four
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
indoor activities.

Overall
, playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
is the most popular activity among those youngsters while reading books is the least preferred.
Besides
, watching
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
different
TV
Possible spelling mistake. 'programmes' is British English.
programmes
is
equally
liked by the youths in these countries.

To
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
begin
with,
precisely
half of all Malaysian and Sudanese children like to spend their leisure
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
playing computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
. At the same
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
, an even higher proportion of Nigerian boys and girls
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
take part
in this activity, 60 per cent to be exact.
Finally
, four out of ten adolescents in Sudan engage in this pastime activity.

Watching TV is the second most common pastime and
interestingly
, it attracts exactly 30% of youngsters from all four countries. Regarding board
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
, an equal percentage of Sudanese children
are involved
while the figures range from one-fifth to one-fourth for the remaining countries.

Additionally
, 20% Malaysian and 15% Chinese children like to read books in their free
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
. For Nigeria and Sudan, their figures both stand at ten per cent. It is worth noticing that the popularity of computer
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
games
can be up to 6
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
times
as much as that of reading books.
7Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
8Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
We should learn languages because language is the only thing worth knowing even poorly.
Kató Lomb

IELTS academic The graph below shows the different home activities among young children in four different countries. v. 2

Academic
  American English
5 paragraphs
204 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 6.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Labels Descriptions
  • ?
    Currently is not available
  • Meet the criteria
  • Doesn't meet the criteria
Similar posts


Recent posts