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The graph shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the UK. v.1

The graph shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the UK. v. 1
The line graph describes the varying proportion of domestic access to modern technology in British homes. it is clear that the proportions of every mode of modern technology were similar in terms of upward patterns. However, while the figure for CD player remained highest in every year over the given period, the opposite could be seen in that for Internet. In 1996, Domestic access to CD player stood at the exceptional rate of 60%, which continued to rise to about 70% in 1998, in which saw the advent of Internet access with the figure being recorded at over 10%. From the 1998 onwards, despite the exponential quadruple to over 40% in 2003, the proportion of Internet access was still twice lower than that of CD player, switfly increasing to over 80% at the end of the time phase. When it comes to other modes of modern technology, in 1996 home computer’s percentage was 30% in comparison with only 20% of Mobile phone. Nonetheless, From 1997 to 2003, there was an massive growth in the rate of mobile phone, significantly tripling to 70% after having surpassed Home computer’s in 1998/99 which only improved gradually to over 40%,
The line graph
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describes
the varying proportion of domestic
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access
to modern technology in British homes.

This sentence does not start with an uppercase letter
it
is
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
clear
that the proportions of every mode of modern technology were similar in terms of upward patterns.
However
, while the figure for CD player remained highest in every year
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over
the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period, the opposite could be
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
seen
in that for Internet.

In 1996, Domestic
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access
to CD player stood at the exceptional rate of 60%, which continued to rise to about 70% in 1998, in which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
saw
the advent of Internet
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access
with the figure
being recorded
at
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over
10%. From the 1998 onwards, despite the exponential quadruple to
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
over
40% in 2003, the proportion of Internet
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access
was
still
twice lower than that of CD player,
Possible spelling mistake found.
switfly
increasing to
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over
80% at the
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end
of the time phase.

When it
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
comes
to other modes of modern technology, in 1996 home computer’s percentage was 30%
in comparison
with
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
20% of Mobile phone. Nonetheless, From 1997 to 2003, there was
Use "a" instead of 'an' if the following word doesn't start with a vowel sound, e.g. 'a sentence', 'a university'
an
massive growth in the rate of mobile phone,
significantly
tripling to 70% after having surpassed Home computer’s in 1998/99 which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
only
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
improved
gradually
to
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over
40%,
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
9Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
He who knows no foreign languages knows nothing of his own.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

IELTS academic The graph shows in percentage terms the changing patterns of domestic access to modern technology in homes in the UK. v. 1

Academic
  American English
4 paragraphs
196 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
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    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
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    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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