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The graph shows a comparison in the pulse rate changes between two different individuals of different ages and professions. v.1

The graph shows a comparison in the pulse rate changes between two different individuals of different ages and professions. v. 1
The line graph compares the heart beats of two individuals – Mabel, a 36 years old office worker, and Albert, a 26 years old former college athlete, during their four minute exercise period. Overall, office worker’s heart beat rate was lower before starting the exercise but in third and final minutes, his pulse rate was recorded higher. Getting back to the details, Mabel, who works in an office, has a pulse rate of roughly 62-65 per minute. Albert, on the contrary, is a former college athlete who has a pulse rate of 80 per minute. Their pulse rates changed during the workout and after one minute both of their health beats became approximately 80. When two minutes elapsed, Mabel’s pulse rate dramatically increased to around 150 while it was 120 for Albert. After three minutes of exercise, office worker Mabel’s heart beating was recorded roughly 110 while the former athlete’s pulse rate was precisely 100. After 4 minutes, both of their pulse rate dipped and it was 60 for Albert while 80 for Mabel.
The line graph compares the heart beats of two individuals
Consider using an m-dash if you do not want to join two words.
–
Mabel, a 36 years
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old
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office
worker, and Albert, a 26 years
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old
former college athlete, during their four
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minute
exercise period.
Overall
,
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office
worker’s heart beat
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rate
was lower
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before
starting the exercise
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
in third and final minutes, his
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pulse
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rate
was recorded
higher.

Getting back to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
details
, Mabel, who works in an
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office
, has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pulse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of roughly 62-65 per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minute
. Albert,
on the contrary
, is a former college athlete who has a
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pulse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
of 80 per
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minute
. Their
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pulse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rates
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
during the workout and after one
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
minute
both of their health beats became approximately 80. When two minutes elapsed, Mabel’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pulse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
dramatically
increased to around 150 while it was 120 for Albert. After three minutes of exercise,
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
office
worker Mabel’s heart beating
was recorded
roughly 110 while the former athlete’s
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pulse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
was
precisely
100. After 4 minutes, both of their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
pulse
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
rate
dipped and it was 60 for Albert while 80 for Mabel.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
23Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
2Mistakes
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IELTS academic The graph shows a comparison in the pulse rate changes between two different individuals of different ages and professions. v. 1

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
174 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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