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The graph compares the percentage of international and the percentage of UK students gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK University in 2009. v.1

The graph compares the percentage of international and the percentage of UK students gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK University in 2009. v. 1
The bar chart presents a comparison data between the percentages of UK and international students who achieved second class or higher degree from a UK university in 2009. It is quite obvious that more international students gained degrees from engineering and technology majors than local British students. Now getting back to the details, local UK students predominated the international students in terms of completing their second class or higher degrees from that particular university except in engineering and IT faculty. For instance, around 80% UK students got their degrees from sociology, art history and literature while the percentages of international students who achieved honours from the same subjects ranged from 65-70%. More foreign students dominated in majors related to engineering and information technology and approximately 10% more foreign students passed from these two majors than the local students who got their degrees from these faculties in the same year. Interestingly, almost an equal proportion of local and international students got their degree from nursing (roughly 78%) and accountancy (exactly 60%). Finally, merely 50% international students gained their degrees in international laws in this university against around 70% local students which represent the largest gap between the ratio of local and international degree holding students in this university.
The bar chart presents a comparison data between the percentages of UK and
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international
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students
who achieved second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or higher
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degree
from a UK
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university
in 2009. It is quite obvious that more
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international
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students
gained
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degrees
from engineering and technology majors than
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local
British students.

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Now
getting back to the
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details
,
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local
UK
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students
predominated the
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international
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students
in terms of completing their second
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
class
or higher
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
from that particular
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university
except in engineering and IT faculty.
For instance
, around 80% UK
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students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
their
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
degrees
from sociology, art history and literature while the percentages of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
who achieved
Possible spelling mistake. 'honours' is British English.
honours
from the same subjects ranged from 65-70%. More foreign
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students
dominated in majors related to engineering and information technology and approximately 10% more foreign
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students
passed from these two majors than the
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local
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students
who
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
their
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degrees
from these faculties in the same year.
Interestingly
, almost an equal proportion of
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local
and
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international
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
students
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
got
their
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degree
from nursing (roughly 78%) and accountancy (exactly 60%).
Finally
,
merely
50%
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international
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students
gained their
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degrees
in
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international
laws in this
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university
against around 70%
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local
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students
which represent the largest gap between the ratio of
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local
and
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international
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degree
holding
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students
in this
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university
.
2Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
39Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1Mistakes
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IELTS academic The graph compares the percentage of international and the percentage of UK students gaining second class degrees or better at a major UK University in 2009. v. 1

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
207 words
6.0
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.5
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.0
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 6.5
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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