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The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000. v.2

The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000. v. 2
The line graph presents data on the male and female smokers per thousand people in Someland from 1960 to 2000. As an overall trend, it is obvious that the rate of male smoker decreased over the time while the female smokers’ rate increase in the given period of time. According to the given line graph, the ratio of male smokers in Someland was much higher than that of females in 1960. 600 men out of 1000, smoked in this year while the ratio of women smokers was less than 100 per thousand. However, the male smokers’ percentage kept on decreasing steadily over the time and an opposite trend could be observed among the women. After 20 years the percentages or male and female smoker in Someland were 48% and 31% respectively. Finally, in 2000, the percentages of male and female smokers became almost the same. In 2000, the male smokers’ ratio was 20%, which was a significant decline in the ratio of the male smoker, while it was 20% for women, which shows that the percentage of female ration doubled in 40 years.
The line graph presents data on the male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
smokers per thousand
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
people
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
from 1960 to 2000. As an
overall
trend, it is obvious that the rate of male smoker decreased over the time while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
smokers’ rate increase in the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
period of time.

According to the
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
given
line graph, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of male smokers in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
was much higher than that of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
in 1960. 600
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
out of 1000, smoked in this year while the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of women smokers was less than 100 per thousand.
However
, the male smokers’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
kept
on decreasing
steadily
over the time and an opposite trend could
be observed
among the women. After 20 years the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
or male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
smoker in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
were 48% and 31%
respectively
.
Finally
, in 2000, the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentages
of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
smokers became almost the same. In 2000, the male smokers’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
was 20%, which was a significant decline in the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of the male smoker, while it was 20% for women, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
percentage
of
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
ration doubled in 40 years.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
14Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
3Mistakes
Change your language and you change your thoughts.
Karl Albrecht

IELTS academic The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000. v. 2

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
183 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
  • ?
    One main idea per paragraph
  • ?
    Include an introduction and conclusion
  • ?
    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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