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The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000. v.1

The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000. v. 1
The ratio of smokers among men and women in Someland is outlined in the line graph and the data also shows how this rate changed over a 40 years’ time. It is obvious that the ratio of smokers in Someland dipped over the time but female smokers’ percentage climbed higher. As is visible in the illustration, almost six in ten men smoked in 1960 in Someland. At that time one female out of then smoked but over the decades this ratio went higher while the percentage of male smokers decreased. In 1970, almost 2 in every ten women smoked while male smokers’ ratio somewhat decreased. Moving further, the percentages of male and female smokers in 1985 stood at 40% and 30%, which shows a contrasting trend of smoking between men and women. It is obvious that more females started consuming tobacco in 1985 than any other time in the past. However, the smoking rate among both genders gradually decreased after 1985 and in 2000, almost 20 to 25 male and female in Someland smoked. Though more males in Someland smoked, the increasing trend of the female smokers was somewhat alarming.
The
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ratio
of smokers among
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women in
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Someland
is outlined
in the line graph and the data
also
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
how this rate
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
changed
over a 40 years’
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time
. It is obvious that the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
of smokers in
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Someland
dipped over the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
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female
smokers’ percentage climbed higher.

As is visible in the illustration, almost six in ten
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
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smoked
in 1960 in
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Someland
. At that
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time
one
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female
out of then
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smoked
This phrase/word is too simple and can be replaced with:
but
over the decades this
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
went higher while the percentage of male smokers decreased. In 1970, almost 2 in every ten women
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoked
while male smokers’
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
ratio
somewhat decreased. Moving
further
, the percentages of male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
smokers in 1985 stood at 40% and 30%, which
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
shows
a contrasting trend of smoking between
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
men
and women. It is obvious that more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
females
This phrase/word (depending on the context) can be potentially replaced with :
started
consuming tobacco in 1985 than any other
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
time
in the past.
However
, the smoking rate among both genders
gradually
decreased after 1985 and in 2000, almost 20 to 25 male and
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoked
. Though more
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
males
in
Possible spelling mistake found.
Someland
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
smoked
, the increasing trend of the
You use this word too often, consider replacing it with
female
smokers was somewhat alarming.
3Linking words, meeting the goal of 7 or more
20Repeated words, meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
5Mistakes
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IELTS academic The graph below shows the rate of smoking per 1000 people in Someland from 1960 to 2000. v. 1

Academic
  American English
2 paragraphs
190 words
5.5
Overall Band Score
Coherence and Cohesion: 5.5
  • Structure your answers in logical paragraphs
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    One main idea per paragraph
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    Include an introduction and conclusion
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    Support main points with an explanation and then an example
  • Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately
  • ?
    Vary your linking phrases using synonyms
Lexical Resource: 5.0
  • Try to vary your vocabulary using accurate synonyms
  • Use less common question specific words that accurately convey meaning
  • Check your work for spelling and word formation mistakes
Grammatical Range: 6.5
  • Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
  • Check your writing for errors
Task Achievement: 5.0
  • Answer all parts of the question
  • ?
    Present relevant ideas
  • Fully explain these ideas
  • ?
    Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
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